tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26026816567007879672024-03-13T13:52:26.929-04:00I, Me & MindTechniques, books and other resources for freeing ourselves from the stresses and worries emanating from I, Me & Mind, that have caused so much suffering. All it takes is an open Mind, and the willingness to enjoy the peace and freedom resulting from letting them go.Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-14650219601732577772010-02-12T20:42:00.004-05:002010-02-13T20:35:28.807-05:00LivingUnbound.Net<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zMQQjz7nU-Q/S3X-aIFoWfI/AAAAAAAAADo/d3P7mzv71KQ/s1600-h/LU-LogoHeader.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_zMQQjz7nU-Q/S3X-aIFoWfI/AAAAAAAAADo/d3P7mzv71KQ/s320/LU-LogoHeader.jpeg" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">Just want to announce the launch of a new website I have been working on. It's called <a href="http://livingunbound.net/">Living Unbound.</a></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">I have really enjoyed making this site, from scratch. :) Many of my writings here are out there in form of teachings, techniques, resources and inspiration. I hope all of you readers will enjoy the site too. It would be nice to get some feedback from all who read/follow my blogs.</div>_/\_ Thank You_/\_<br />
<blockquote><h3 class="featured-entry-title entry-title"><span style="color: red; font-size: small;">(</span><span style="color: red; font-size: small;">Here is the launch announcement from the website)</span><br />
<a href="http://livingunbound.net/misc/living-unbound-net-is-launching-today-february-12-2010/" rel="bookmark" title="Living Unbound.Net is Launching Today, February 12, 2010">Living Unbound.Net is Launching Today, February 12, 2010</a></h3><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
<div style="color: blue;"><b>Please see our<a href="http://livingunbound.net/"> LivingUnbound.Net</a> Launch Celebration Video, Above! </b></div></div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
<b>The video features an awesome song by Jai Uttal, which includes Living Unbound-oriented lyrics originally written by John Lennon (from the Beatles song Tomorrow Never Knows), combined with Living Unbound-oriented lyrics from enlightened sages in ancient India (the Sanskrit lyrics in the song), along with Living Unbound-oriented images we selected.</b></div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
<b>The lyrics, the music and the images are all symbols pointing to the reality of Living Unbound, behind misperception of limitation. </b></div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
<b>Living Unbound is the Freedom Beyond Imagination in reality, that we can all be enjoying, now.</b></div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
And so, we’d like to welcome all to LivingUnbound.Net<a href="http://livingunbound.net/"></a> – your portal to Freedom Beyond Imagination in reality.</div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
We are launching LivingUnbound.Net today, Febraury 12, 2010, because today is Mahashivaratri, the Great Night of Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva is the infinite Unbound Awareness we each and all ever are now, in reality; the Freedom Beyond Imagination we can all be enjoying, now.</div></blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
The name Shiva means “the one who is blessing”. In misperception, we seek blessing; in awakening to Living Unbound, we receive blessing; in Living Unbound, we naturally offer blessing, which is, in reality, the greatest blessing of all.</div><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;"><br />
Living Unbound is Real. And you’re invited. Let’s get started, shall we?</div></blockquote><div style="color: blue;"><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-10472055588284486372009-12-15T23:08:00.003-05:002009-12-17T18:47:49.619-05:00Loving What Is.<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Let’s talk about another technique for identifying mind stories, and dropping mind stories.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">This technique is called <i>"The Work",</i> as taught by Byron Katie.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Before I was introduced to "The Work", I would go through life wishing that almost everything that I was living was different. I was upset how my house looked, how my kids and husband did not help me, how my husband did not listen to me, how I did not have any help at home or in bringing up my kids, how my friends did not give me the attention they gave others, how my in-laws interfered too much in my life; how people expected too much from me, how I was wronged by so many, how I gave and gave and did not get what I deserved back.... the list was endless. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Then I was introduced to "<a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1400045371">Loving What Is</a>" by Byron Katie. It changed my life in a way I could never have imagined. It was the first time I realized what "accepting what is" actually meant. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Her quote, <span style="color: blue;"><i>"When you argue with reality, you always lose - but only 100% of the time</i>",</span> is possibly the most useful quote you can remember, in your life. 100% of our suffering comes from arguing with reality. </span><br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;">"The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want."</span> </span></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">We spend all our lives trying to change the world around us, in order to be happy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"My kids should treat me with respect", "My partner needs to give me more attention", "I should be loved by my family as I have defined love", and so on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">When we insist on things like this, we cause a lot of hurt and anger and unhappiness in ourselves, and all around us, by trying to change everyone around us. Katie's technique "The Work", gives a simple technique to see what the reality is, and how to accept this reality, so that we can be happy, or at least at peace.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">And my favorite quote from Katie.... </span><br />
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<i><span style="color: blue; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"Would you rather be right or free?"</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">This one actually helps you let go of the mind stories. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Our mind always wants to be right... "but I deserve the attention I want but I’m not getting!” </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"I have a right to expect my children to take care of me when I get old!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"It is what parents do, they take care of their grandkids, I have every right to expect my parents to help me with my kids!".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">"How can you tell me to turn it around and make all of this my fault, they must change in order for me to be happy!" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Would you rather be right … or would you rather be happy?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Let go of the desire to be right … and allow yourself to see the reality of what is going on. You can be free of suffering. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">You can get details on how to do "The Work" </span><a href="http://www.thework.com/thework.asp#2"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"></span><br />
<blockquote><div><b><span style="color: orange; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Step 1:</span></b><br />
</div><div><b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The First step is to fill in a Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet.</span></b><br />
</div><ul><li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">You can get a copy of the worksheet </span><a href="http://www.thework.com/downloads/JudgeYourNeighbor.pdf"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">here</span></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Write down everything that is bothering you.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">If you have managed to identify your mind stories you can write these down in this sheet. </span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="color: orange;">Step 2:</span></b> </span><br />
</div><b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Second step is apply 4 questions to each one of the things you wrote down:</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: blue;">1. Is it true?</span> </span><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">The answer is a "yes" or a "no" only. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">If your answer is "no", continue to question #3. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: blue;">2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?</span> </span><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: blue;">3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?</span> (Occasionally people find the following sub-questions helpful.) </span><br />
<ul><li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> How do you feel when you believe that thought? (Depressed, anxious, etc.) </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Does that thought bring peace or stress into your life? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> What images do you see when you believe that thought about a past or future? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Describe the physical sensations that happen when you believe that thought. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> How do you treat that person and others when you believe that thought?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> What addictions/obsessions begin to manifest when you believe that thought? (Alcohol, credit cards, food, the TV remote?) </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Where and at what age did that thought first occur to you? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Whose business are you in when you believe that thought? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> What do you get for holding on to that belief? </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> What do you fear would happen if you didn’t believe that thought? (Later, take this list of fears to inquiry.) </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> What are you not able to do when you believe that thought? (Take this list to inquiry.) </span></li>
</ul><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: blue;">4. Who would you be without the thought?</span> </span><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Close your eyes and drop your story just for a moment; notice: who would you be without that thought? Who would you be without your story? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><div><b><span style="color: orange; font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Step 3:</span></b><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: black;"><b>The next step is to turn it around</b></span> (the concept you are questioning), and don't forget to find three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Turn the thought around. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Statements can be turned around to the opposite, to the self, and to the other, and occasionally there are other variations as well. When dealing with an object, you can replace the object with "my thinking" or "my thoughts." Find a minimum of three specific, genuine examples of how each turnaround is as true as or truer than your original statement. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Examples of Turnarounds:</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Here are a few more examples of turnarounds:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">"He should understand me" turns around to:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- He shouldn't understand me. (This is reality.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- I should understand him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- I should understand myself.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">"I need him to be kind to me" turns around to:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- I don't need him to be kind to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- I need me to be kind to him. (Can I live it?)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">- I need me to be kind to myself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Embracing Reality:</b> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
<div><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">After you have turned around the judgments in your answers to numbers 1 through 5 on the </span><a href="http://www.thework.com/thework.asp#worksheet"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Worksheet</span></a><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> (asking if they are as true or truer), turn number 6 around using "I am willing ..." and "I look forward to ..." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">For example, "I don't ever want to experience an argument with Paul" turns around to "I am willing to experience an argument with Paul" and "I look forward to experiencing an argument with Paul." Why would you look forward to it? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Number 6 is about fully embracing all of mind and life without fear, and being open to reality</b>. If you experience an argument with Paul again, good. If it hurts, you can put your thoughts on paper and investigate them. Uncomfortable feelings are merely the reminders that we've attached to something that may not be true for us. They let us know that it's time to do The Work.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn't mean you must invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him are you feeling stress or peace?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In my experience, it takes only one person to have a successful relationship. I like to say I have the perfect marriage, and I can't really know what kind of marriage my husband has (though he tells me he's happy too).</span><br />
</blockquote><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">*******</span><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Helpful website:<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">The Work : <a href="http://www.thework.com/index.asp">http://www.thework.com/index.asp</a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Helpful Books:<br />
<a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1400045371">Loving What Is</a> by Byron Katie. <br />
</div><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-71370021982504958242009-11-22T18:07:00.004-05:002009-11-23T07:52:22.467-05:00Identifying And Breaking Mind Shafts.<blockquote style="color: blue; font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">There were two monks walking, an old one and a young one. They came to a shallow river, and there was a lady there who demanded that one of them should carry her across the river. So the old monk carried her across and the two monks continued walking.</span></i><br />
</blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue; font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">At the end of the day they decided to rest for the night. While they sat by a fire, the young monk told the old one.. "I cannot believe you carried that lady across the river, she was perfectly capable of walking across, and she was so rude … she did not even thank you! I really don't get why you did it!”</span></i><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: blue;"></span></i></span><br />
</blockquote><blockquote style="color: blue; font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: blue;">The old monk smiled at the young monk and said: "You are still carrying her? I set her down hours ago.”</span></i><br />
</span><br />
</blockquote><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">This is how our mind works: we carry a story with us for years, and suffer from that story years after the experience has passed. The mind connects something that happened a few years back, with something that happened a few months back with something that happened a few days back and makes a shaft of pleasure or pain (shaft of "depression" or "poverty" or "unhappiness" or "happiness"). The mind connects every moment, and says “the pain I feel today, and the pain I felt yesterday and the pain I felt a week back are all connected.”</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The day we can see that each moment is unique, unconnected to any other moments, we can free up a lot of mental energy … the energy that we used to mentally connect separate events and to keep those mind shafts in place.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We connect things that happen in our life to make either a shaft of pain and/or pleasure. We try to break a pain shaft and try to elongate a pleasure shaft, using external means. Neither of them will help. We need to stop connecting the moments that make the shaft.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">So how do we break these mind shafts?</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It can be practiced as we go about our day.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At the end of the day, when mind labels the day as a "bad day" or "stressful day" or "depressing day", go through the day in your mind and make mental notes of the things that happened, that cause mind to label the day one way or the other.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Now, if it was a "bad day" or a "feeling down day" … make an effort to pick out the moments in the day when you were happy, if you enjoyed your morning tea, if you smiled at someone or someone smiled at you, if you laughed at a joke, if you saw something that made you smile … watch how those moments actually broke up the lows in the day. Identify the moments that don't fit into the label of "low day", and break the day up into moments of happiness and moments of lows.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We use up a lot of mental energy (hence the mental tiredness, or depression) in connecting the lows to make a shaft of one big low. </span><span style="font-size: large;">When we stop connecting memories of low moments in our mind, we free up a lot of mental energy. We need to break the mind shafts we have formed by simply seeing through them. We also need to break the mental pattern of thinking that we have created that makes these mind shafts stronger. Freeing ourselves from this habit won’t happen in a day, but starting out with small things, and developing the new habit of reviewing our day and watching for mind-shafts can free up a surprising amount of mental energy. Observing that the day is actually made up of moment by moment by moment … and that each moment is free of the previous one (memory) and next one (imagination), helps us break these mind-shafts, and enjoy some freedom and mental rest.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">At first the shaft may be years long... for instance, a person thinks:</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">"The past 10 years of my life has been nothing but sadness."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Well the sadness you felt 10 years ago and the one you felt 5 years ago, and the one you experienced a year back and the one 6 months ago and the one you experienced a week ago are not the same. We connect these and make it one long shaft of a sad life.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My best friend betraying me 10 years back and my dad passing away 5 years back and my boyfriend leaving me a year back and my dog dying 6 months back and me losing my job a week back are all connected to make a long shaft of sadness. When you see each of those incidents were individual incidents and are only connected by the mind to make a shaft of a 10 years of sorrow... you can let go some of the heavy energy that is being used to keep the shaft of sorrow in place.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">To dissolve the shaft, we can go back and identify the moments when we were not sad/depressed. We can remember how we enjoyed a party or a movie or a vacation or a night out or a book or a trip or a job.... and see how these broke the depression of 10 years. So the one shaft of 10 year long depression is now broken into smaller shafts of sadness. It no longer is a huge monster, but little monsters that came up during those 10 years … and we did enjoy many more moments of happiness than our mind-shaft of sadness wants to let us acknowledge.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Then, we break up shorter periods, such as a single day. Maybe break it to half a day at first. Then as you keep identifying the breaks in the day; breaks when you were not feeling low. Your moments will refine to hours, minutes, seconds... and you will be able to actually watch how each second is independent of the previous and next.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Please look at <a href="http://the-journey-inward.blogspot.com/2009/11/breaking-shaft.html">Breaking The Mind Shaft</a> for another technique that is geared more for people with some background in meditation.</span><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-62038721938141113872009-11-18T20:16:00.002-05:002009-11-19T17:00:22.177-05:00Unconditional Loving.<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I have talked a lot about unconditional loving. Maybe it is time to look into what this really means. <br />
<br />
Before I had read the book </span><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1592400477">Real Love</a> by Greg Baer, my idea of unconditional loving was: </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">“I will do anything you want, to make you happy and in return you will love me the way I think I should be loved. There will be an unspoken rule that you will love me and honor me the way I think I should be loved and treated and I will change to fit your definition of what loving is to you.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p>So I played a role of a mother the way the society and my kids thought mom should be, and a role of a partner the way I thought I was expected to behave, and the role of a daughter the way I realized my parents thought I should be, and the role of a daughter-in-law as defined by my in-laws, and tried to be a friend as defined by friends, and to fulfill the roll of a good employee as defined by my employer, and of a citizen, as defined by the government and ....<br />
<br />
Wow... no wonder I was all confused! Not only was I changing my personality to fit into all these roles, I was changing to what I thought the other person wanted me to be like … not necessarily what they were thinking I should be, but what I thought they thought I should be. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">So now, even though I was trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be, but since they did not really want me that way, I was being someone they did not want me to be. And so, I was really not making them happy. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">So by the time I had figured out what might be the right way to be with someone, in order to fulfill their expectations, they had already changed their mind on what they thought I should be. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">So there I went, once again scrambling to try to fit the new mold that had been created for me by another person’s ever-changing expectations.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">And, please remember: I was also expecting all those people to be a certain way, so that I could love them unconditionally. I mean, I was changing constantly for them so they would be happy, cause I loved them so unconditionally... I mean c'mon... I was ready to change for them.. how much more unconditional could one get? All I was expecting from them was their unconditional loving back, in the way I expected it, from them. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now if for any reason they did not treat me in the way I had defined, in terms of how they should love me... oh well... that was not acceptable.... how can you love me unconditionally if you are not loving me the way I am loving you and the way I expect you to love me?<o:p></o:p> </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Wow!!! That was complicated. That was a story written for suffering. But I did not know any better. That was unconditional loving to me.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Then I read the book "Real Love" by Greg Baer. I thought I had this unconditional loving thing all figured out. Then I read these lines:</span><br style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;" /> </span><span style="color: #4f81bd; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> </span></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;">* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="color: #4f81bd;"> </span></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.</span> </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">No... no way... why is this book telling me this? You mean I was looking at this all wrong? No actually I was not... deep inside I knew I was manipulating things to get love... but that is how we have to function right? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">I will be unloved and all alone if I am not pleasing others and making sure others love me. <br />
<i><br />
</i>Mind stories!<br />
<br />
I was a slave of the mind stories and labels that had defined what love was. I was too scared to let go these stories because they defined a boundary for me and I could judge if what I was giving and getting was "love". If I dropped these stories I would not have a yard stick to measure loving by. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Can I really love without the stories? Is it really possible that someone could write these words and shake my beliefs... shake the root of my entire definition of real love?</span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">Yes. He did. He changed the way I saw this world. Once I read his words and actually saw how my mind was keeping me from experiencing the freedom of real love, I had to slowly let go. Let go the tight grip I had on my stories. One by one the stories crumbled as I saw how much fuller and easier "real love" was than the imitation love I was trying to get and give.<br />
<br />
I would highly recommend getting his book: </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1592400477">Real Love</a></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="line-height: 115%;">.<br />
<br />
Here is a piece from Greg's website that will help you get a taste of what "Real Love" is:<br />
</span><span style="line-height: 115%;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1258590101132"><br />
</a><span style="color: #4f81bd;"><a href="http://www.reallove.com/about.asp">What is Real Love? </a> <i><span style="color: black;">(This is a small excerpt from the website, please click on the question to read the rest.)</span></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.</span></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of <a href="http://www.reallove.com/imitation_love.asp">Imitation Love</a> , and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides. </span><br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;"><a href="http://www.reallove.com/protect_behaviors.asp"><span style="color: blue;"></span></a></span> <br style="color: orange;" /> <u style="color: orange;"><a href="http://www.reallove.com/protect_behaviors.asp"><b>Getting and Protecting Behaviors:</b></a></u></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">When we lack sufficient Real Love, we feel empty and afraid, conditions that are unbearably painful. In order to eliminate our emptiness, we use Getting Behaviors to fill ourselves with Imitation Love. </span></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #4f81bd;">The Getting Behaviors include:</span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Lying. Although it's usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise) and often the other forms of Imitation Love as well.</span><br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;"> </span></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Attacking. We're attacking people when we use any behavior designed to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on. When we attack people, we feel stronger. We feel a sense of power, which temporarily can be quite satisfying in the absence of Real Love.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="color: #4f81bd;">In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:</span></b><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Lying. From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Attacking. Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Acting like victims. When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, "It's not my fault."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #4f81bd;">* Running. One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.</span><br />
<br />
Read more about:<br />
<a href="http://www.reallove.com/about.asp">What "Real Love" is? </a> </span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.reallove.com/imitation_love.asp">Imitation Love </a></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.reallove.com/protect_behaviors.asp">Getting and Protecting Behaviors </a><a href="http://www.reallove.com/protect_behaviors.asp"><span style="color: blue;"></span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.reallove.com/lack_of_real_love.asp"></a><a href="http://www.reallove.com/lack_of_real_love.asp">Lack of Real Love </a><span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<a href="http://www.reallove.com/fallinginlove.asp">Falling in Love: The Real Reasons We Do, and Why It Doesn't Last </a><a href="http://www.reallove.com/fallinginlove.asp"><span style="color: blue;"></span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.reallove.com/addiction.asp"></a><a href="http://www.reallove.com/addiction.asp">Understanding the Causes of Drug Addiction </a><span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<a href="http://www.reallove.com/anger_management.asp"></a><a href="http://www.reallove.com/anger_management.asp">Beyond Anger Management Techniques </a><span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<br />
Watch his videos:<br />
1)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dtAnvx9lvM">Real Love - As Essential to Life as Air </a><br />
2)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGshO_tNBk4">Where's the Love? </a><br />
3)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVE3DGQnZ6g">What is Imitation Love? </a><br />
4)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-bEkLUrQNE">Death of a Relationship - You Thought He/She was the 'One' </a><br />
5)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3kouonnRw8">Letting the Relationship Die Letting the Relationship Die </a><br />
6)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhTMEh2FqMg">Anger Management - Eliminate Anger, Don't Just Control It</a> <br />
7)<a href="http://www.blogger.com/Do%20http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaC9zBqrU7g">Finding Real Love - The Most Valuable Thing You'll Ever </a><br />
8)<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9wxmWxSZrc">How do I change my partner? </a></span></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Helpful Websites:</u><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Read Love : <a href="http://www.reallove.com/">http://www.reallove.com/</a></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Helpful Books:</u><o:p></o:p> </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1592400477">Real Love</a> by Greg Baer </span><br />
</div><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20?_encoding=UTF8&node=2%20" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Other Books By Greg Baer</a></span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span> </span><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-54229878231371836842009-11-09T17:12:00.002-05:002009-11-09T19:32:53.170-05:00Accepting Reality: Happily Ever After (continued).<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Note</b>: In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read the first part of this post over <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/11/accepting-reality-happily-ever-after.html">here</a>. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/those-priceless-moments-always.html">here</a>.</span><br />
</div><br />
<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Does this mean we accept everything? Even if there is injustice or physical abuse going on?</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yes.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Accepting a situation does not mean we become a door mat.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Accepting means we see what is happening without attaching a mind story to it.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When we can clearly see what is going on... when we see the reality of the situation... we can then make a decision about what the next step should be based on reality rather than on emotions.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, if this is the reality: “My husband yells at me and physically hurts me.”</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Mind Stories might be:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"He should not hit me."</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"I deserve to be hit because I don't meet up to his expectations."</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"He needs to vent his anger."</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">What is the reality? You are getting beaten. When you drop the mind stories around this reality, you can take the next step which can be removing yourself from the situation... or contacting the cops... or seeking help from a shelter... or calling the abuse hotline.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Please remember, although it is hard to see when we are run by mind stories, the mind really does not know what can happen. The mind story can keep us afraid and feeling like a doormat for a long time. Calling for help does not mean your spouse has to find out; the people dealing with the victims are trained to be discreet and will give you good advice on what can be done.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">However as long as we are caught up in our mind story of "I cannot do this" or "I deserve this", or "life will fall apart if I take the next step" or "I just have to bear it and things will get better" or "he will find out and things will get worse"... you will just suffer, not only from the violence, but also with the fear that the mind stories are keeping in place. Not only are you suffering physically …you are killing yourself mentally and emotionally.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A few other examples:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"My partner should not leave me.”</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Look at what the reality is. Our partner has decided to move on. Look at all the stories that are holding us back and keeping us sad. Life is moving on but we are caught up in a mind story of what a relationship should be, and we beat ourselves up when things don't go as per the mind stories we made up on how life should be. We have our definition of unconditional loving, and all of that revolves around how our mind stories define loving. If we let go the mind story of how our partner should treat us, and accept what is going on... we can be free this minute.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">If we still want to try and make things work out in our relationship, we can then, from a place of acceptance, go forward with therapy or counseling. If it does not work out, or if our partner is not willing to try along with us, it is best to accept and move on, rather than cling onto a mind story that we created based on memory and imagination, and which only causes suffering in the present.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"Our children should respect us."</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Again, look at the reality of how our children are treating us. Maybe because they are teenagers, and have not yet found their place in life, they are at an awkward age and unclear on how to relate to almost everyone, including their parents. They are no longer children and they are not yet adults. They are confused. Or maybe they never did learn to respect, because we as parents never showed them any respect. Accepting children as they are and showing them unconditional loving will help them get over the confusing phase that can go with certain parts of their teenage years, and respect us even more than they otherwise would, once they are out of this phase.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">However, our mind stories have defined what the behavior of children should be like... and we are sad and disappointed and angry because they don't fit into that mind story. Accepting what is … accepting reality … will help us drop the mind story, and will help us operate from a place of clarity. From this place of clarity we can take further steps of talking to our children, showing them unconditional loving, and offering loving guidance. When we talk to them with our mind story of “expected behavior” in place, we are not listening to what they are saying nor are we working with the reality of the situation. However, when we drop the mind story of “acceptable behaviors”, we actually have a wonderful chance of getting closer to our children. Even the most rebellious kids just want to feel that someone is on their side, no matter what. If that “someone” is us, and they know it, they won’t shut us out, and we’ll be able to offer them input and guidance. (read more about this here).</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">>"Our children should take care of us when we get old",</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Or</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">> "Our children should give us more time/visit us more often."</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">What’s the reality? Our children are not taking care of us. Can we change this? Our mind stories have defined what our old age should look like. But even after spending all our lives seeing how things never go according to the plans of the mind stories, we are still disappointed because our life this moment is not the way our mind story defined it should be.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When will this stop? When will we actually be happy? As a child we look forward to being out of school, working, having our own money. Then we say we will be happy when we have a partner, then kids, then kids settle down, then grand kids, then... we finally rest when we are in our grave. If we can accept reality this moment, if we can let go the hold on the mind stories and accept reality right now... we can be completely fulfilled right here, right now... not somewhere “out there” in the future.</span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><u>Helpful website: </u><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/<br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.<br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-32461077121353534492009-11-06T17:01:00.007-05:002009-11-07T07:50:38.267-05:00Accepting Reality: Happily Ever After.<span style="font-size: small;"><b>Note:</b> In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read from <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/looking-for-mind-window-separating.html">here</a>. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/those-priceless-moments-always.html">here</a>.</span><br />
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</style><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">In one of my <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/happiness-just-thought-away.html">earlier posts</a> I had talked about looking for happiness within us. All our lives we look outward for happiness. If that really did make us happy, we should have been the happiest people alive, after manipulating ourselves and the world around us we should have it all down to a fine art to find happiness. And yet, happiness is always just beyond us. Even when we do catch up with it, it slips away real soon. <o:p></o:p></span></span> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">So is "happily ever after" possible? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yes. It is possible to be happy exactly where you are.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">How?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Shift the way you think. Instead of "what can the world do to make me happy?" or "how I can change myself to gain the love of the world?", look into "how can I accept the world as it is, and myself as I am?"<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">In all of the example statements we talked about in previous posts, there was one part called "reality" … which was the actuality of the situation, free from any interpretation about it. Accepting this part, the reality of the situation, will make everything different. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Acceptance doesn’t mean being weak, or allowing others to use us as doormats, or not acting when action is needed. Acceptance means dropping the mind stories that makes us suffer by keeping us mentally and emotionally bound to a situation. Being attached to the mind stories uses up energy needlessly, clouds thinking and drains energy; acceptance helps get past the mind story and address any moment or situation with clarity.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Things happen around us without our help. We may believe we are making things happen, however life just keeps flowing with or without our help.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">We believe we actually carve the path of our lives, however, look back and be honest with yourself... how much of our lives has been as we had planned? How much of our sadness is because we are still clinging onto the dreams ("mind stories") we had of our life, partner, kids, parents, siblings. What happens if we drop the ideas ("mind stories") we have. It's a slight shift in our focus. We put all our attention and energy on our mind stories and see our world from this place. All we need to do is shift our focus away from the mind story and accept the reality.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Let’s look into this: </u><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">"I feel sad because I am disappointed that my mother is not around more to help me with my kids." <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">emotion = sad<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">label = disappointed<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">mind story = mother should help more<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">reality = mother is here once a week/month, never.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">So you are sad because you cannot accept the reality of what is going on. Your mother is doing what she is doing. Maybe she does not want to go through bringing up children again. Maybe she feels unloved because she feels you are using her to take care of the kids. Maybe she is old and does not have the energy to take care of the children. Maybe she is afraid she is old and may not be able to keep up with the children. We know how tired we get taking care of the children? Well she maybe double our age... and with half our energy. Or maybe she just does not care. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">All the above statements are to help you see what she may be going through. But it does not really matter what she is going through. We can only speculate what someone else is feeling or thinking with our mind stories. The only thing we can be sure about is what is going on. My mother is not involved with my children as often as I would like her to be.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">Can you accept this? For even a moment, drop the thought "my mother should help me more" and feel the release and lightness. Try thinking in another way... "I should not expect anything from my mother and accept that she is loving us the best she knows how" or "I should love my mother no matter what she does or does not do". Or "I should love myself and drop the expectation, because it is hurting me to keep the expectations in place". <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size: large;">When you can identify the mind story and let it go and accept the reality that is beyond the mind story, you will feel an instant release in tension in yourself. We will see how we cling onto these mind stories and keep our suffering in place. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">Another wonderful thing that we will start to experience is when the mind stories are not controlling our every move, a kind of freedom comes into our lives and we can just flow with what is happening. Once this happens... once we have loosened the grip our mind stories have on us... everything starts to unfold in perfect harmony. It has always been unfolding in perfect harmony, we have been so caught up in our mind stories that we haven't noticed. </span></span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div><input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-19980001445420824082009-10-26T20:28:00.009-04:002009-10-28T10:51:40.723-04:00Looking For The Mind Window: Identifying Mind Stories.<div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><strong>Note:</strong> In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read the previous two posts <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/happiness-just-thought-away.html">here</a> and <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/looking-for-mind-window-separating.html">here</a>. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/those-priceless-moments-always.html">here</a>.<br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">OK … now that we see how to separate the emotion from the label, let’s take the next step. </span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We are going to go through an exercise. You can either read it and then close your eyes and go through it … or ask someone to read it to you while you follow this exercise. Alternately, you can record it while reading it out loud, and then listen to the recording, in order to do the exercise.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">********************************************</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Close your eyes. Now think about something that you enjoy doing ... like eating your favorite food, watching a sunrise/sunset, enjoy a warm day in the middle of winter, a day at the beach or sitting by a river enjoying nature.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Apply the separation technique we talked about in the previous section. See the emotions arising. Watch the labels the mind attaches.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">There may be a smile on your face. Feel your muscles relax. Enjoy the peace for a few minutes; the silence.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now think of something you are not looking forward to:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A family reunion, a job interview, asking permission from (someone you think of as) an authority figure (for something you think they may give a negative response to); imagine a trip to the doctor or dentist, a visit from a friend or relative who is judgmental or annoying. Watch the emotions arising. Watch how your body reacts. The discomfort you feel. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Identify the emotions: scared, intimidated, nervous, restless. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Be with it for a few minutes. </span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Relax.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now think of something that makes you angry or scared:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your relatives, a bully, the economy, the government, injustice, an accident, a fire. Now notice the emotions arising. Apply the technique of separation and realize the actual emotions that are arising, and the mental labels connected with them. Feel how the body is reacting. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Your muscles and jaws tighten, heart rate goes up. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Be with it for a few minutes. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Relax.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now think of something that makes you sad:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A death in the family, the loss of a loved one, or some objects you really treasured. Try and identify the emotions. Watch how the body reacts … the tears, the heavy heart, the pain. </span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Relax.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Now bring yourself back to the room. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Here. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Be aware of your presence in the room. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">*******************************************</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Do you realize you were not here as you lived through the above experiences? Do you see how your mind controls so much of you? </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Right now, right here, are any of those things happening? </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yet, the mind can completely change your physical and emotional state, just by bringing up some thoughts from the past (going forward we will refer to this as memory), or by projecting how you will feel in the future (this we will call imagination).</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We have all experienced being terrified of doing something, or seeing someone who intimidates or scares us (mind story), and yet … when the moment itself actually happens, it does not seem as bad as the mind imagined it to be.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Or, we've<span id="gtbmisp_2" style="-moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; background: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%; border-bottom-width: 0pt; border-left-width: 0pt; border-right-width: 0pt; border-top-width: 0pt; color: red; cursor: pointer; font-family: serif; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; margin: 0pt; padding-bottom: 0pt; padding-left: 0pt; padding-right: 0pt; padding-top: 0pt; position: static; text-align: left; text-indent: 0pt; text-transform: none;"></span> also experienced letting the mind create the wonderful stories about what something in the future (vacation, date, dinner, movie) is going to be like and are disappointed because the actual moments don't go like the ones we imagined.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">If we had no expectations, then perhaps we would actually enjoy the given moment. However our mind does not give us a chance to enjoy something fully, because it has<span style="color: black;"> pre-judged </span>the current moment and even though this moment could be a lot of fun, our mind won’t let us enjoy it completely.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So based on memories and imagination, "mind stories" are created. As a part of this exercise, we will try to identify mind stories and write them down. Separate the emotions, from the reality and identify the mind story that is labeling the situation. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">The difference between a "mind story" and a "label" is that a "mind story" is story based on memory or imagination and a label is what we attach to the current situation from that mind story. </span><br />
<div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
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</span><br />
<div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So as we go about our day, any time we suddenly feel disappointed or sad or happy... any time there is a sudden change in our emotional state, we will try to identify the emotion, the reality, the “mind story” and the label that is causing the reaction.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">You are happy, and suddenly you feel your heart sink. Look at what just happened: did you read something or hear something or see something that made you feel threatened? Have an unhappy memory? Identify the emotion, and the label the mind is attaching to the situation. Identify the story the mind is making and see if the memory that brings you down fits into one of the situations we talked about in the exercise above? </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Again, develop the habit of writing this down; the mind has a way of twisting things, so writing things down as they arise will help you see the emotion, the situation and the "mind story" clearly.</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The mind is like a child making up stories. We don’t invest too much in way of upset and emotions in the child’s stories … similarly once we identifying the mind’s stories, many times that is enough to get us free from the suffering created by that story. At times it takes a bit more. We will explore some more techniques in some of the future blogs. </span><br />
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</div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-37713440425591451842009-10-22T21:52:00.010-04:002009-10-23T18:53:12.631-04:00Looking For The Mind Window: Separating Emotions From Labels.<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So, we will try and find this window now, identify the mind. It is very important to cultivate silence as pointed out <a href="http://i-me-and-mind.blogspot.com/2009/10/those-priceless-moments-always.html">here</a>. Once we do this regularly, the rest of what I am about to write will become easier to understand.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Our mind, through years of conditioning, has defined what it thinks is needed for us to be happy. We then define who we think we are with these thoughts. The mind works hard at keeping up the images of "I" and the "Me". It is unhappy when this image of "I" or "Me" is threatened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It is said the mind makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Over years, we have progressively given up more and more control to our mind. The mind is a beautiful tool when it is working like it is supposed to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am not talking about the mind that helps us do math and remember grocery lists and remember birthdays … I am talking about the mind that when not able to solve the math problem goes into the story: "If I don't solve this problem, I will fail my math test and then I won’t get into any college, then I will not get a job, and I’ll be a failure!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Conditioning has us believe we cannot function without the mind. However, many of us have experienced driving to work, getting into our car and reaching work and suddenly realizing we drove all the way without once thinking about the drive. We took left and right turns, stopped at stop signs and traffic lights, changed lanes, slowed down, speeded up... and yet we don't consciously remember doing any of this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The mind would like to think it runs our lives and has us convinced we cannot do anything beyond the boundaries of what it has defined for us … but we did manage to drive to work without the mind giving us a running commentary on what we are doing. We do manage to eat and breath and walk and sleep without the mind saying: "Okay, now take a bite, now chew, now breath in, now breath out now move the muscles to move your right leg, make sure the left arm moves with that ...”. etc.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Separating emotions from mental labels:</u></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The first thing we will do is to separate an emotion from the label the mind attaches to a situation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We associate many thoughts and words with emotions arising. We generally don't separate the emotion from the mind’s evaluation about the situation. For instance, we say "I feel like a failure". Failure is not a feeling. The mind has defined what it thinks success is and when things don't fit into that definition it applies a label "failure".</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">The first thing to do in order to become more conscious of all this, is to separate the emotion from the mind’s evaluation. Identify the emotion, first.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So, we can rephrase that statement to "I feel angry /sad/afraid/ashamed/disheartened because I am not making as much money as I think I should."</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I feel angry/sad/ashamed = Emotion</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Amount of money = Reality</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Not enough = Label. <i>(Someone working in Wall Street may feel like a failure ‘cause he earns only a $1 million per year, but he should make $10 million, like the truly successful people do. Many of the rest of us feel we should make a few thousand more than we do and hence like a failure, and so, the label “not enough” is relative.)</i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Similarly, "I feel misunderstood". Misunderstood is an evaluation; it is the mind deciding what level of understanding another person has of us, based on what we think constitutes “being understood”. So a better way to say this would be, "I feel sad/annoyed/anxious because I feel people don't understand what I am trying to say.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I feel sad/annoyed = Emotion</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">What I say = Reality</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">People don’t understand = Label. (<i>What people understand and don’t is relative. The ways in which you are expecting them to understand you is relative.)</i> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So as we go about our day, we will consciously try to separate and identify the emotion from the label the mind attaches to the situation.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Right from the moment we wake up our emotions are determined by our mind labeling how we think the day is going to be. Mind identifies the emotion that we have associated with what we think the day is going to be like: sad/happy/eager/excited/bored … and continues identifying the various emotions and labels that we experience during the day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I feel sad/angry/bored, etc. = Emotion</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The events of the day = Reality</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">How I think the day is going to go = Label</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If possible write them down. The mind has a way of distorting things when it thinks we understand its tricks. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So this is our first step. Separate the emotion from the label.<br />
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<input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><!--Session data--><input id="jsProxy" onclick="jsCall();" type="hidden" /><div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-30566049754028701492009-10-20T19:44:00.015-04:002010-01-21T12:53:24.558-05:00Happiness: Just A Thought Away?<div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Most of us have grown up in a culture where we look outward for happiness. This is something we have picked up since we were children. We did things that would please people around us... so we got praise and approval from others. We grow up learning that in order to be happy, we need certain things... we need to be the best at something, we must have a big house, a job, money, partner, kids, etc. Our happiness is always “somewhere out there”, tied to getting something, or somewhere. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">This results in us spending most of our lives trying to change things around us, in order to be happy. If we are not happy, we think it is because something is not going the way we want it to, or that someone is not behaving the way we need them to. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When we live at home growing up, we are dying to get out and live on our own... find our independence. Then we need to find a job. Then we need to get out of the apartment we are sharing because we hate out roommates. Then we need more money to afford the new apartment. Then, we decide we are lonely; we need a partner. It would be great if we had kids, and a house, and a yard, and a dog. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Then we have all those things … and we think we are overwhelmed and we need a break ... we need a vacation. We dream of that perfect vacation at the beautiful beach we see in those brochures, where we can relax. We end up at the exact same beach, from the beautiful brochures. <i>Ahhh now to relax</i>. How long do we really enjoy, though? When we’re on our vacation … we are already back at work and home, thinking of all the catching up we will have to do, and the friends we have to call … and the stories we have to tell. We take many pictures to capture the beauty because we cannot enjoy the beach right now, but when back home we can look at those pictures, and enjoy the vacation then!</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So other than the few minutes of joy we experience when we do get something we really want, are we really happy? And if happiness happens when we get our desires fulfilled... why can we not stay happy? </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_de_Mello_%28Jesuit%29">Father Anthony de Mello</a> says, <i>"Until I get this object (money, friendship, anything) I'm not going to be happy; I've got to strive to get it and then when I've got it, I've got to strive to keep it. I get a temporary thrill. Oh, I'm so thrilled, I've got it"! But how long does that last? A few minutes, a few days at the most. When you get your brand-new car, <b>how long does the thrill last? Until your next attachment is threatened!</b>"</i></span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So is there a way to really be happy? Could it be that there is a flaw in how we are seeing things? We spend so much time in trying to change the world around us... have we ever thought, maybe the world is just fine, it is just the window we are looking through that may need some cleaning? </span><br />
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This window we look through is our mind.</b></i></span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We have experienced walking through a park or a beach lost in worries and thoughts and then walking down the same path another day, when in a better mental space, enjoying the scenery. The park/beach is still the same; the only thing different is our state of mind.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Or when someone praises us, we are very happy with this person, but the minute they are no longer saying things our minds like to hear, we change our opinion about this person.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When we are in a bad mood... everyone around us seems annoying and grumpy, even if they are not aware of this... when we are happy the whole world seems happy. Is it possible that all the people around us can be happy or grumpy around the same time? Do you see how our state of mind, the window we are looking through, actually determines how the world around us looks, at any given time? </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Over the next few posts we will try to identify this window (mind) we’re talking about. If we can’t locate the window, we definitely won’t know how to clean it, will we?</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: inherit;"><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Helpful Website:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.soulwise.net/99adm01.htm">Wisdom from Anthony de Mello </a></span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,'Times New Roman',serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://awareness.tk/">Awareness</a></span><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-6156294752992545692009-10-09T16:37:00.013-04:002009-10-21T08:10:12.661-04:00Magic Moments: Anytime At All<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Have you ever experienced getting lost in a moment? Lost in the beauty of a sunset? In a piece of music that touches you from within? In the innocence of a baby asleep? In the eyes of your beloved? How many times have we tried to recreate that moment? It does not happen when we try, does it? It happens when we are least expecting it. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Know why? </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is because... well... we are not expecting it. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Even if you don't realize it, that experience was experienced because at that moment, you were caught off guard, the mind was not expecting the beauty and did not know how to comment on that moment. Do you know why you snapped out of the moment? You snapped out of that moment when your mind stepped in to tell you: "Wow!! that sunset/sleeping child/music/your beloved is so beautiful". </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The chances of you enjoying any of those moments again in exactly the same way is very unlikely. This is because the mind has already interpreted the experience and tucked it away in memory for the future … and so, it is almost impossible to joyously enjoy those things in the same way you did when the experience was spontaneous without the mind telling you what to expect and how to enjoy.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So are we to live at the mercy of the mind and hope to randomly get lucky with enjoying those moments of silence? What if I tell you, you can access this silence anytime? If you can quiet the mind down, you will actually be able to experience these moments of utter joy, peace and connectedness very often in your life, even when the mind can’t find a reason to really feel this.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">All you need is a few minutes every day to get in touch with your silence. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Cultivating silence: Sit on a chair or bed or any place comfortable with a back rest. Close your eyes and watch your thoughts for a few seconds. Then in your mind say the words "I am" ... don't utter them aloud... in your mind, repeat the words "I am". Thoughts will come up and very soon you will realize you are off the words "I am"… this is fine, when you realize you are off, go back to the words "I am". At the end of the 10-20 min, rest with your eyes closed for a few more minutes. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It is recommended to do this for 20 min twice a day. If that sounds like a lot, start off with 10 min, twice a day, but make sure you do it every day. To experience the benefits of this practice, we need to make it a part our everyday life ... like brushing our teeth. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">We don't put too much thought into brushing our teeth, we just do it, and most of us wouldn’t let ourselves miss it, for even a full day. Similarly, we sit in silence for 10 - 20 min twice a day cultivating silence using the above procedure … as part of our daily routine, every single day.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The most common problem most of us have is to find time to do this. Well, first thing in the morning, even before you get out of bed, prop yourself up against some pillows and spend 10-20 min sitting silently, repeating the words “I Am”. Just remember, we have 1440 minutes in a day …all we need to do is sit in silence for 40 of those minutes to be able to enjoy silence during the rest of the 1400 minutes.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sitting silently twice each day will helps us get in touch with the same silence that let us experience those moments I mentioned above. As we keep cultivating silence, there will be many moments when the silence will just show up in our everyday life. Don't expect to experience silence during the 20 minutes or so that you’re doing the practice. The 20 minutes is really the process for “cooking” silence: you get to enjoy the food (silence) after the cooking. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">There's a reason to sit in silence every day, twice being ideal; there's a cumulative effect, just as with exercise. When you get into a regular exercise routine ... you don’t experience the benefits of exercising while you're exercising, but during the rest of your day. Similarly, you'll experience the benefits of silence in your daily life during the remainder of your day, rather than during the short time you're sitting in silence. </span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The word spirituality means different things to different people. People use many different avenues and activities as spiritual paths … ranging from religion to practicing various techniques, such as yoga or alternative healing or martial arts. Some people have spiritual experiences while using psychedelic drugs, or when they listen to certain music or when they are admiring a piece of art. </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Do you know what the common factor is, that people experience using all these various techniques? Silence. Yes. All effective spiritual practices finally are designed to quiet the mind so you can experience silence. It may sound like I am oversimplifying things, and I am … because no matter what else people may achieve when following different paths … the key thing that a successful path will teach you is: to experience silence.</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">You can get a lot more information on the above technique <a href="http://www.aypsite.org/13.html">here</a>. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">For some more ideas on how to fit this practice into your everyday life look <a href="http://www.aypsite.org/50.html">here</a>. </span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">There is a wonderful <a href="http://www.aypsite.org/forum/%20">Support Forum</a> for anyone who may have questions on the technique and/or any other spiritual question.</span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Helpful Website:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Advanced Yoga Practices : <a href="http://www.aypsite.org/">http://www.aypsite.org/</a></span><br />
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</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Helpful Books:</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/097646554X">Deep Meditation: Pathway to Personal Freedom</a> ~ Yogani</span><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/0976465507">Advanced Yoga Practices: Easy Lessons for Ecstatic Living</a> ~Yogani</span><br />
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<div id="refHTML"></div>Mahasweta Mitrahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16112906799746145848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2602681656700787967.post-19759219150397178122009-10-06T21:20:00.008-04:002009-10-21T08:09:32.664-04:00Loving Our Children: Rethinking Parenting.<input id="gwProxy" type="hidden" /><meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type"></meta><meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 12" name="Generator"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 12" name="Originator"></meta><link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5Cshweta%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5Cshweta%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_themedata.thmx" rel="themeData"></link><link href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5Cshweta%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtmlclip1%5C01%5Cclip_colorschememapping.xml" rel="colorSchemeMapping"></link><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I am a mother of two awesome teenage girls. I don’t practice too much traditional parenting; I just go from moment to moment, learning from them and learning with them. We don’t have too many rules; I just try to show them that it’s OK ... it’s OK to make mistakes … it’s OK to be human … it’s OK to be who they are. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Was I always like this? Well, I would like to say “yes”, but the fact is … I too tried bringing up my kids the way the society thinks is right. I never enjoyed parenting when I was bound by the “rules of the society”. I have seen fear in the eyes of my children when I talked about “time outs”, and when I got angry and scolded them; I hated that look. It would make my heart cry and wish I had not scolded them … but I did not know any better. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A few years back I got introduced to spirituality. That changed me a lot. I realized, bringing up children based on fear of punishment did not make it pleasant for them or me. Nagging them, scolding them, punishing them did not really do much for either of us. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">First, something that is defined as wrong in one household, or even one situation, is perfectly OK in another household, or another situation. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Second, is it OK to make anyone do something out of fear? Don’t you think it makes more sense to help kids see things and want to do things better, rather than out of fear? How long do you think fear-based motivation will last? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Generally speaking, they will revolt sooner or later. If not openly, then behind the backs of their parents. This can manifest in many forms … all the way from</span><span style="font-size: large;"> “talking back” … to withdrawing … to hiding their fears with drugs or alcohol or smoking; anything that will give them a sense of personal power for a bit.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But what if they got the loving respect at home? What if they knew that if there was anything that they needed to talk about, they could go to their mom and/or dad? That they will not be judged for what is being said. That they will be treated as people. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Generally, we remember what we did as kids, and project that onto our kids. But did the way we were brought up really make us feel good about ourselves? When we knew we had tried our best, but got bad grades, and were punished for it how did we feel? When we were treated like a bunch of kids who knew nothing, how did we feel? Is it right to impose the same harshness on our kids? To me, punishing our children is form of violence; it is the end to the innocence they were born with. It is also taking the easy way out. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So why is it we don’t talk to our kids? Well, it’s so much easier to shut them up and punish them, make sure they do what we say, due to the fear of being punished, than to talk to them. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">However take a step back; ask yourself: why do you find it so hard to talk to them? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes it’s because they show us our true nature. At times they show us a part of ourselves we do not want to face (most times, not consciously). They bring back a part of us that we tucked away somewhere growing up, because we were told it was not “right”. We were punished for it. We were told we would be losers if we went that way. Unfortunately, this is what happened to our parents and we are repeating the same pattern with our children. It has to stop at some point.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">At times it’s because we don’t have answers, because in our hearts we know what we tell our children is “the right thing” is not something we really believe in ourselves. It’s something our parents or society told us was right. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">At times it’s because we feel we will lose control over them if they do not fear us. But control will only work for so long; sooner or later they will pull back (tolerate us, ignore us) or stand up to the control (argue back, tell us off). <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So how do we start? We start by talking to them like we would with another adult. When a friend or another adult comes to us with a problem, do we find faults with them and tell them they are wrong and punish them? No, hopefully we treat them with respect and talk to them about how we see the situation and what we think would help. We treat the other with respect. Why should our children expect anything else? Why do you think they prefer talking to a friend about their problems rather than us? <i>Because a friend treats them as a person</i>. Why not give them the same respect and hence have some advice from us that is more centered and experienced? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">How do we talk to them? We just start by letting them talk. We show them that they can tell us anything and we won’t judge them for it. We are there for them no matter what they have done. We show them unconditional love. We show them they can trust us.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s hard at first on both sides, especially when we have not shown this side of ourselves from the beginning. It is hard for them to open up; it’s hard for them to trust that they can talk to us without being judged. When our kids have not had unconditional loving to start with, it takes them some time to realize that it <i>really</i> is OK to be themselves.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">It’s hard for us to trust and let go trying to control them; “What if I let go and their grades start falling?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Well if that happens, address the situation then: talk to them, ask them if they need help from you or a tutor or a peer? Maybe cutting down on computer time or phone time would help? Let them talk to you so you can hear why their grades are falling. Don’t ground them and cut off TV, computer, phone for a week, month … instead ask them what they think would be the best way to proceed. Maybe having IM, TV, phone off while doing homework? Let them come up with what they think will work. They generally are very smart and know what it is that is distracting them. When they make a decision, it generally makes them feel responsible to carry it out. They understand that we trust them, and they want us to know they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. If it does not work, then revisit the problem. Give suggestions, encourage them to stick to what they decide … but try not to enforce it. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A._S._Neill">A.S. Neill</a> says, "Every child has a god in him. Our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil. Children come to my school, little devils, hating the world, destructive, unmannerly, lying, thieving, bad tempered. In six months they are happy, healthy children who do no evil. And I am no genius, I am merely a man who refuses to guide the steps of children. I let them form their own values and the values are invariably good and social.”</span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">An awesome tool to use when talking to children (and to anyone else in our life really) is NVC or <a href="http://www.cnvc.org/">Non Violent Communication</a>. There are two books that I have found very helpful. “<a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1892005034">Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life</a>”, and “<a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1892005093">Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way</a>” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. You can read the first chapter of the first book<a href="http://www.cnvc.org/node/393"> here</a>.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The idea is to let them know we are there; not to control them, but to love them unconditionally no matter what happens. Stick to it, no matter how hard it is; just remember: we cannot control anyone. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Once our children see we really do love them for being themselves … and not an image of what we or society thinks they should be, there will be no more barriers between us and our children. Our children can actually come and tell us anything and everything and we will be there for them. Even if our children do something that we define as wrong; we love them; we’ll support them through it as best we can … why? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Because, as Byron Katie (author of “<a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1400045371">Loving What Is</a>”) says, “When you argue with reality, you lose - but only 100% of the time.” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The reality is our children may be doing something that we do not approve; we don’t have to accept it … we can show them the pluses and minuses in what they are doing … but finally we cannot change our children unless they want to change (Oh, of course we can threaten and punish or emotionally manipulate them to do what we think they should be doing … but it will not work for long). <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Better to let them grow up to be beautiful, loving people, confident in what they do … and the only way that can happen is when they experience unconditional loving from us. 100% acceptance of them, and not an image of them, but them, exactly as they are.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The most important thing for us as parents is to be centered. No matter what is happening on the outside, we stay centered... and we don’t add to the storm building up around us. We are human too and of course it is not always possible to be centered. When we lose it, that is OK too. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When we calm down, we can talk to our kids, tell them what happened, and the reason why it was difficult to stay centered through the situation. This will show them that they are safe, show them they are loved no matter what they have done... they will not need to go anywhere else for love or comfort. And a little humility from us can do more to create respect from our kids than almost anything else we can do.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">There is an amazing system called <a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1592400477">Real Love</a> taught by Greg Baer. This is a very important system that will help us get grounded in love so we can pour unconditional loving to all around us. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Here are some helpful websites:</u><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Read Love : <a href="http://www.reallove.com/">http://www.reallove.com/</a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">The Work : <a href="http://www.thework.com/index.asp">http://www.thework.com/index.asp</a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Non Violent Communication : <a href="http://www.cnvc.org/">http://www.cnvc.org/</a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Advanced Yoga Practices : <a href="http://www.aypsite.org/">http://www.aypsite.org/</a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><u>Helpful Books:</u><o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1400045371">Loving What Is</a> by Byron Katie <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1592400477">Real Love</a> by Greg Baer<o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1892005034">Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life</a></span><span style="font-size: large;"> by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1892005093">Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way</a></span><span style="font-size: large;"> by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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</span><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://astore.amazon.com/remindme-s-20/detail/1439105006">The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging</a></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">, (if you have been thinking of blogging I would recommend you get this book. It has really very practical info in very easy to understand format that even a non-techie person like me “</span><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><i>gets</i></span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;">”.) </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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