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I have talked a lot about unconditional loving. Maybe it is time to look into what this really means.
Before I had read the book Real Love by Greg Baer, my idea of unconditional loving was:
Before I had read the book Real Love by Greg Baer, my idea of unconditional loving was:
“I will do anything you want, to make you happy and in return you will love me the way I think I should be loved. There will be an unspoken rule that you will love me and honor me the way I think I should be loved and treated and I will change to fit your definition of what loving is to you.”
Wow... no wonder I was all confused! Not only was I changing my personality to fit into all these roles, I was changing to what I thought the other person wanted me to be like … not necessarily what they were thinking I should be, but what I thought they thought I should be.
So now, even though I was trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be, but since they did not really want me that way, I was being someone they did not want me to be. And so, I was really not making them happy.
So by the time I had figured out what might be the right way to be with someone, in order to fulfill their expectations, they had already changed their mind on what they thought I should be.
So there I went, once again scrambling to try to fit the new mold that had been created for me by another person’s ever-changing expectations.
And, please remember: I was also expecting all those people to be a certain way, so that I could love them unconditionally. I mean, I was changing constantly for them so they would be happy, cause I loved them so unconditionally... I mean c'mon... I was ready to change for them.. how much more unconditional could one get? All I was expecting from them was their unconditional loving back, in the way I expected it, from them.
Now if for any reason they did not treat me in the way I had defined, in terms of how they should love me... oh well... that was not acceptable.... how can you love me unconditionally if you are not loving me the way I am loving you and the way I expect you to love me?
Wow!!! That was complicated. That was a story written for suffering. But I did not know any better. That was unconditional loving to me.
Then I read the book "Real Love" by Greg Baer. I thought I had this unconditional loving thing all figured out. Then I read these lines:
* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.
* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.
No... no way... why is this book telling me this? You mean I was looking at this all wrong? No actually I was not... deep inside I knew I was manipulating things to get love... but that is how we have to function right?
I will be unloved and all alone if I am not pleasing others and making sure others love me.
Mind stories!
I was a slave of the mind stories and labels that had defined what love was. I was too scared to let go these stories because they defined a boundary for me and I could judge if what I was giving and getting was "love". If I dropped these stories I would not have a yard stick to measure loving by.
Mind stories!
I was a slave of the mind stories and labels that had defined what love was. I was too scared to let go these stories because they defined a boundary for me and I could judge if what I was giving and getting was "love". If I dropped these stories I would not have a yard stick to measure loving by.
Can I really love without the stories? Is it really possible that someone could write these words and shake my beliefs... shake the root of my entire definition of real love?
Yes. He did. He changed the way I saw this world. Once I read his words and actually saw how my mind was keeping me from experiencing the freedom of real love, I had to slowly let go. Let go the tight grip I had on my stories. One by one the stories crumbled as I saw how much fuller and easier "real love" was than the imitation love I was trying to get and give.
I would highly recommend getting his book: Real Love.
Here is a piece from Greg's website that will help you get a taste of what "Real Love" is:
What is Real Love? (This is a small excerpt from the website, please click on the question to read the rest.)
Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.
I would highly recommend getting his book: Real Love.
Here is a piece from Greg's website that will help you get a taste of what "Real Love" is:
What is Real Love? (This is a small excerpt from the website, please click on the question to read the rest.)
Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.
If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love , and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides.
Getting and Protecting Behaviors:
When we lack sufficient Real Love, we feel empty and afraid, conditions that are unbearably painful. In order to eliminate our emptiness, we use Getting Behaviors to fill ourselves with Imitation Love.
The Getting Behaviors include:
* Lying. Although it's usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise) and often the other forms of Imitation Love as well.
* Lying. Although it's usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise) and often the other forms of Imitation Love as well.
* Attacking. We're attacking people when we use any behavior designed to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on. When we attack people, we feel stronger. We feel a sense of power, which temporarily can be quite satisfying in the absence of Real Love.
* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.
* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.
In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:
* Lying. From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.
* Attacking. Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.
* Acting like victims. When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, "It's not my fault."
* Running. One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.
Read more about:
What "Real Love" is?
* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.
* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.
In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:
* Lying. From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.
* Attacking. Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.
* Acting like victims. When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, "It's not my fault."
* Running. One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.
Read more about:
What "Real Love" is?
Getting and Protecting Behaviors
Lack of Real Love
Falling in Love: The Real Reasons We Do, and Why It Doesn't Last
Understanding the Causes of Drug Addiction
Beyond Anger Management Techniques
Watch his videos:
1)Real Love - As Essential to Life as Air
2)Where's the Love?
3)What is Imitation Love?
4)Death of a Relationship - You Thought He/She was the 'One'
5)Letting the Relationship Die Letting the Relationship Die
6)Anger Management - Eliminate Anger, Don't Just Control It
7)Finding Real Love - The Most Valuable Thing You'll Ever
8)How do I change my partner?
Lack of Real Love
Falling in Love: The Real Reasons We Do, and Why It Doesn't Last
Understanding the Causes of Drug Addiction
Beyond Anger Management Techniques
Watch his videos:
1)Real Love - As Essential to Life as Air
2)Where's the Love?
3)What is Imitation Love?
4)Death of a Relationship - You Thought He/She was the 'One'
5)Letting the Relationship Die Letting the Relationship Die
6)Anger Management - Eliminate Anger, Don't Just Control It
7)Finding Real Love - The Most Valuable Thing You'll Ever
8)How do I change my partner?
Helpful Websites:
Read Love : http://www.reallove.com/
Helpful Books:
Real Love by Greg Baer
Other Books By Greg Baer 
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