Looking For The Mind Window: Identifying Mind Stories.

Note: In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read the previous two posts here and here. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned here.

OK … now that we see how to separate the emotion from the label, let’s take the next step.

We are going to go through an exercise. You can either read it and then close your eyes and go through it … or ask someone to read it to you while you follow this exercise. Alternately, you can record it while reading it out loud, and then listen to the recording, in order to do the exercise.

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Close your eyes. Now think about something that you enjoy doing ... like eating your favorite food, watching a sunrise/sunset, enjoy a warm day in the middle of winter, a day at the beach or sitting by a river enjoying nature.

Apply the separation technique we talked about in the previous section. See the emotions arising. Watch the labels the mind attaches.

There may be a smile on your face. Feel your muscles relax. Enjoy the peace for a few minutes; the silence.

Now think of something you are not looking forward to:

A family reunion, a job interview, asking permission from (someone you think of as) an authority figure (for something you think they may give a negative response to); imagine a trip to the doctor or dentist, a visit from a friend or relative who is judgmental or annoying. Watch the emotions arising. Watch how your body reacts. The discomfort you feel.

Identify the emotions: scared, intimidated, nervous, restless.

Be with it for a few minutes.

Relax.

Now think of something that makes you angry or scared:

Your relatives, a bully, the economy, the government, injustice, an accident, a fire. Now notice the emotions arising. Apply the technique of separation and realize the actual emotions that are arising, and the mental labels connected with them. Feel how the body is reacting.

Your muscles and jaws tighten, heart rate goes up.

Be with it for a few minutes.

Relax.

Now think of something that makes you sad:

A death in the family, the loss of a loved one, or some objects you really treasured. Try and identify the emotions. Watch how the body reacts … the tears, the heavy heart, the pain.

Relax.

Now bring yourself back to the room.

Here.

Be aware of your presence in the room.

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Do you realize you were not here as you lived through the above experiences? Do you see how your mind controls so much of you?

Right now, right here, are any of those things happening?

Yet, the mind can completely change your physical and emotional state, just by bringing up some thoughts from the past (going forward we will refer to this as memory), or by projecting how you will feel in the future (this we will call imagination).

We have all experienced being terrified of doing something, or seeing someone who intimidates or scares us (mind story), and yet … when the moment itself actually happens, it does not seem as bad as the mind imagined it to be.

Or, we've also experienced letting the mind create the wonderful stories about what something in the future (vacation, date, dinner, movie) is going to be like and are disappointed because the actual moments don't go like the ones we imagined.

If we had no expectations, then perhaps we would actually enjoy the given moment. However our mind does not give us a chance to enjoy something fully, because it has pre-judged the current moment and even though this moment could be a lot of fun, our mind won’t let us enjoy it completely.

So based on memories and imagination, "mind stories" are created. As a part of this exercise, we will try to identify mind stories and write them down.  Separate the emotions,  from the reality and  identify the mind story that is labeling the situation.

The difference between a "mind story" and  a "label" is that a "mind story" is story based on memory or imagination and a label is what we attach to the current situation from that mind story. 

So as we go about our day, any time we suddenly feel disappointed or sad or happy... any time there is a sudden change in our emotional state, we will try to identify the emotion, the reality, the “mind story” and the label that is causing the reaction.

You are happy, and suddenly you feel your heart sink. Look at what just happened: did you read something or hear something or see something that made you feel threatened? Have an unhappy memory? Identify the emotion, and the label the mind is attaching to the situation. Identify the story the mind is making and see if the memory that brings you down fits into one of the situations we talked about in the exercise above?

Again, develop the habit of writing this down; the mind has a way of twisting things, so writing things down as they arise will help you see the emotion, the situation and the "mind story" clearly.

The mind is like a child making up stories. We don’t invest too much in way of upset and emotions in the child’s stories … similarly once we identifying the mind’s stories, many times that is enough to get us free from the suffering created by that story. At times it takes a bit more. We will explore some more techniques in some of the future blogs.

Looking For The Mind Window: Separating Emotions From Labels.

So, we will try and find this window now, identify the mind. It is very important to cultivate silence as pointed out here. Once we do this regularly, the rest of what I am about to write will become easier to understand.

Our mind, through years of conditioning, has defined what it thinks is needed for us to be happy. We then define who we think we are with these thoughts. The mind works hard at keeping up the images of "I" and the "Me". It is unhappy when this image of "I" or "Me" is threatened.

It is said the mind makes a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Over years, we have progressively given up more and more control to our mind. The mind is a beautiful tool when it is working like it is supposed to.

I am not talking about the mind that helps us do math and remember grocery lists and remember birthdays … I am talking about the mind that when not able to solve the math problem goes into the story: "If I don't solve this problem, I will fail my math test and then I won’t get into any college, then I will not get a job, and I’ll be a failure!"

Conditioning has us believe we cannot function without the mind. However, many of us have experienced driving to work, getting into our car and reaching work and suddenly realizing we drove all the way without once thinking about the drive. We took left and right turns, stopped at stop signs and traffic lights, changed lanes, slowed down, speeded up... and yet we don't consciously remember doing any of this.

The mind would like to think it runs our lives and has us convinced we cannot do anything beyond the boundaries of what it has defined for us … but we did manage to drive to work without the mind giving us a running commentary on what we are doing. We do manage to eat and breath and walk and sleep without the mind saying: "Okay, now take a bite, now chew, now breath in, now breath out now move the muscles to move your right leg, make sure the left arm moves with that ...”. etc.

Separating emotions from mental labels:

The first thing we will do is to separate an emotion from the label the mind attaches to a situation.

We associate many thoughts and words with emotions arising. We generally don't separate the emotion from the mind’s evaluation about the situation. For instance, we say "I feel like a failure". Failure is not a feeling. The mind has defined what it thinks success is and when things don't fit into that definition it applies a label "failure".

The first thing to do in order to become more conscious of all this, is to separate the emotion from the mind’s evaluation. Identify the emotion, first.

So, we can rephrase that statement to "I feel angry /sad/afraid/ashamed/disheartened because I am not making as much money as I think I should."

I feel angry/sad/ashamed = Emotion
Amount of money = Reality
Not enough = Label. (Someone working in Wall Street may feel like a failure ‘cause he earns only a $1 million per year, but he should make $10 million, like the truly successful people do. Many of the rest of us feel we should make a few thousand more than we do and hence like a failure, and so, the label “not enough” is relative.) 

Similarly, "I feel misunderstood". Misunderstood is an evaluation; it is the mind deciding what level of understanding another person has of us, based on what we think constitutes “being understood”. So a better way to say this would be, "I feel sad/annoyed/anxious because I feel people don't understand what I am trying to say.

I feel sad/annoyed = Emotion
What I say = Reality
People don’t understand = Label. (What people understand and don’t is relative. The ways in which you are expecting them to understand you is relative.) 

So as we go about our day, we will consciously try to separate and identify the emotion from the label the mind attaches to the situation.

Right from the moment we wake up our emotions are determined by our mind labeling how we think the day is going to be. Mind identifies the emotion that we have associated with what we think the day is going to be like: sad/happy/eager/excited/bored … and continues identifying the various emotions and labels that we experience during the day.

I feel sad/angry/bored, etc. = Emotion
The events of the day = Reality
How I think the day is going to go = Label

If possible write them down. The mind has a way of distorting things when it thinks we understand its tricks. 

So this is our first step. Separate the emotion from the label.

Happiness: Just A Thought Away?

Most of us have grown up in a culture where we look outward for happiness. This is something we have picked up since we were children. We did things that would please people around us... so we got praise and approval from others. We grow up learning that in order to be happy, we need certain things... we need to be the best at something, we must have a big house, a job, money, partner, kids, etc. Our happiness is always “somewhere out there”, tied to getting something, or somewhere.

This results in us spending most of our lives trying to change things around us, in order to be happy. If we are not happy, we think it is because something is not going the way we want it to, or that someone is not behaving the way we need them to.

When we live at home growing up, we are dying to get out and live on our own... find our independence. Then we need to find a job. Then we need to get out of the apartment we are sharing because we hate out roommates. Then we need more money to afford the new apartment. Then, we decide we are lonely; we need a partner. It would be great if we had kids, and a house, and a yard, and a dog. 


Then we have all those things … and we think we are overwhelmed and we need a break ... we need a vacation. We dream of that perfect vacation at the beautiful beach we see in those brochures, where we can relax. We end up at the exact same beach, from the beautiful brochures. Ahhh now to relax. How long do we really enjoy, though? When we’re on our vacation … we are already back at work and home, thinking of all the catching up we will have to do, and the friends we have to call … and the stories we have to tell. We take many pictures to capture the beauty because we cannot enjoy the beach right now, but when back home we can look at those pictures, and enjoy the vacation then!

So other than the few minutes of joy we experience when we do get something we really want, are we really happy? And if happiness happens when we get our desires fulfilled... why can we not stay happy?

Father Anthony de Mello says, "Until I get this object (money, friendship, anything) I'm not going to be happy; I've got to strive to get it and then when I've got it, I've got to strive to keep it. I get a temporary thrill. Oh, I'm so thrilled, I've got it"! But how long does that last? A few minutes, a few days at the most. When you get your brand-new car, how long does the thrill last? Until your next attachment is threatened!"

So is there a way to really be happy? Could it be that there is a flaw in how we are seeing things? We spend so much time in trying to change the world around us... have we ever thought, maybe the world is just fine, it is just the window we are looking through that may need some cleaning?

This window we look through is our mind.

We have experienced walking through a park or a beach lost in worries and thoughts and then walking down the same path another day, when in a better mental space, enjoying the scenery. The park/beach is still the same; the only thing different is our state of mind.

Or when someone praises us, we are very happy with this person, but the minute they are no longer saying things our minds like to hear, we change our opinion about this person.

When we are in a bad mood... everyone around us seems annoying and grumpy, even if they are not aware of this... when we are happy the whole world seems happy. Is it possible that all the people around us can be happy or grumpy around the same time? Do you see how our state of mind, the window we are looking through, actually determines how the world around us looks, at any given time?

Over the next few posts we will try to identify this window (mind) we’re talking about. If we can’t locate the window, we definitely won’t know how to clean it, will we?

Helpful Website:

Wisdom from Anthony de Mello

Awareness

Magic Moments: Anytime At All

Have you ever experienced getting lost in a moment? Lost in the beauty of a sunset? In a piece of music that touches you from within? In the innocence of a baby asleep? In the eyes of your beloved? How many times have we tried to recreate that moment? It does not happen when we try, does it? It happens when we are least expecting it.

Know why?

It is because... well... we are not expecting it.

Even if you don't realize it, that experience was experienced because at that moment, you were caught off guard, the mind was not expecting the beauty and did not know how to comment on that moment. Do you know why you snapped out of the moment? You snapped out of that moment when your mind stepped in to tell you: "Wow!! that sunset/sleeping child/music/your beloved is so beautiful".

The chances of you enjoying any of those moments again in exactly the same way is very unlikely. This is because the mind has already interpreted the experience and tucked it away in memory for the future … and so, it is almost impossible to joyously enjoy those things in the same way you did when the experience was spontaneous without the mind telling you what to expect and how to enjoy.

So are we to live at the mercy of the mind and hope to randomly get lucky with enjoying those moments of silence? What if I tell you, you can access this silence anytime? If you can quiet the mind down, you will actually be able to experience these moments of utter joy, peace and connectedness very often in your life, even when the mind can’t find a reason to really feel this.

All you need is a few minutes every day to get in touch with your silence.

Cultivating silence: Sit on a chair or bed or any place comfortable with a back rest. Close your eyes and watch your thoughts for a few seconds. Then in your mind say the words "I am" ... don't utter them aloud... in your mind, repeat the words "I am". Thoughts will come up and very soon you will realize you are off the words "I am"… this is fine, when you realize you are off, go back to the words "I am". At the end of the 10-20 min, rest with your eyes closed for a few more minutes.

It is recommended to do this for 20 min twice a day. If that sounds like a lot, start off with 10 min, twice a day, but make sure you do it every day. To experience the benefits of this practice, we need to make it a part our everyday life ... like brushing our teeth.

We don't put too much thought into brushing our teeth, we just do it, and most of us wouldn’t let ourselves miss it, for even a full day. Similarly, we sit in silence for 10 - 20 min twice a day cultivating silence using the above procedure … as part of our daily routine, every single day.

The most common problem most of us have is to find time to do this. Well, first thing in the morning, even before you get out of bed, prop yourself up against some pillows and spend 10-20 min sitting silently, repeating the words “I Am”. Just remember, we have 1440 minutes in a day …all we need to do is sit in silence for 40 of those minutes to be able to enjoy silence during the rest of the 1400 minutes.

Sitting silently twice each day will helps us get in touch with the same silence that let us experience those moments I mentioned above. As we keep cultivating silence, there will be many moments when the silence will just show up in our everyday life. Don't expect to experience silence during the 20 minutes or so that you’re doing the practice. The 20 minutes is really the process for “cooking” silence: you get to enjoy the food (silence) after the cooking.

There's a reason to sit in silence every day, twice being ideal; there's a cumulative effect, just as with exercise. When you get into a regular exercise routine ... you don’t experience the benefits of exercising while you're exercising, but during the rest of your day. Similarly, you'll experience the benefits of silence in your daily life during the remainder of your day, rather than during the short time you're sitting in silence.

The word spirituality means different things to different people. People use many different avenues and activities as spiritual paths … ranging from religion to practicing various techniques, such as yoga or alternative healing or martial arts. Some people have spiritual experiences while using psychedelic drugs, or when they listen to certain music or when they are admiring a piece of art.

Do you know what the common factor is, that people experience using all these various techniques? Silence. Yes. All effective spiritual practices finally are designed to quiet the mind so you can experience silence. It may sound like I am oversimplifying things, and I am … because no matter what else people may achieve when following different paths … the key thing that a successful path will teach you is: to experience silence.

You can get a lot more information on the above technique here.

For some more ideas on how to fit this practice into your everyday life look here.

There is a wonderful Support Forum for anyone who may have questions on the technique and/or any other spiritual question.

Helpful Website:

Advanced Yoga Practices : http://www.aypsite.org/

Helpful Books:

Deep Meditation: Pathway to Personal Freedom ~ Yogani

Advanced Yoga Practices: Easy Lessons for Ecstatic Living ~Yogani

Loving Our Children: Rethinking Parenting.

I am a mother of  two awesome teenage girls.  I don’t practice too much traditional parenting;  I just go from moment to moment, learning from them and learning with them. We don’t have too many rules; I just try to show them that it’s OK ... it’s OK to make mistakes … it’s OK to be human … it’s OK to be who they are. 

Was I always like this? Well, I would like to say “yes”, but the fact is … I too tried bringing up my kids the way the society thinks is right. I never enjoyed parenting when I was bound by the “rules of the society”. I have seen fear in the eyes of my children when I talked about “time outs”, and when I got angry and scolded them; I hated that look. It would make my heart cry and wish I had not scolded them … but I did not know any better.

A few years back I got introduced to spirituality. That changed me a lot. I realized, bringing up children based on fear of punishment did not make it pleasant for them or me. Nagging them, scolding them, punishing them did not really do much for either of us.

First, something that is defined as wrong in one household, or even one situation, is perfectly OK in another household, or another situation.

Second, is it OK to make anyone do something out of fear? Don’t you think it makes more sense to help kids see things and want to do things better, rather than out of fear?  How long do you think fear-based motivation will last?

Generally speaking, they will revolt sooner or later. If not openly, then behind the backs of their parents. This can manifest in many forms … all the way from “talking back” … to withdrawing … to hiding their fears with drugs or alcohol or smoking; anything that will give them a sense of personal power for a bit.

But what if they got the loving respect at home?  What if they knew that if there was anything that they needed to talk about, they could go to their mom and/or dad?  That they will not be judged for what is being said. That they will be treated as people.

Generally, we remember what we did as kids, and project that onto our kids. But did the way we were brought up really make us feel good about ourselves? When we knew we had tried our best, but got bad grades, and were punished for it how did we feel? When we were treated like a bunch of kids who knew nothing, how did we feel? Is it right to impose the same harshness on our kids? To me, punishing our children is form of violence; it is the end to the innocence they were born with. It is also taking the easy way out.

So why is it we don’t talk to our kids? Well, it’s so much easier to shut them up and punish them, make sure they do what we say, due to the fear of being punished, than to talk to them.

However take a step back; ask yourself: why do you find it so hard to talk to them?

Sometimes it’s because they show us our true nature. At times they show us a part of ourselves we do not want to face (most times, not consciously). They bring back a part of us that we tucked away somewhere growing up, because we were told it was not “right”. We were punished for it. We were told we would be losers if we went that way. Unfortunately, this is what happened to our parents and we are repeating the same pattern with our children. It has to stop at some point.

At times it’s because we don’t have answers, because in our hearts we know what we tell our children is “the right thing” is not something we really believe in ourselves. It’s something our parents or society told us was right. 

At times it’s because we feel we will lose control over them if they do not fear us.  But control will only work for so long; sooner or later they will pull back (tolerate us, ignore us) or stand up to the control (argue back, tell us off).

So how do we start?  We start by talking to them like we would with another adult. When a friend or another adult comes to us with a problem, do we find faults with them and tell them they are wrong and punish them? No, hopefully we treat them with respect and talk to them about how we see the situation and what we think would help. We treat the other with respect.  Why should our children expect anything else? Why do you think they prefer talking to a friend about their problems rather than us? Because a friend treats them as a person. Why not give them the same respect and hence have some advice from us that is more centered and experienced?

How do we talk to them? We just start by letting them talk. We show them that they can tell us anything and we won’t judge them for it. We are there for them no matter what they have done.  We show them unconditional love. We show them they can trust us.

It’s hard at first on both sides, especially when we have not shown this side of ourselves from the beginning. It is hard for them to open up; it’s hard for them to trust that they can talk to us without being judged. When our kids have not had unconditional loving to start with, it takes them some time to realize that it really is OK to be themselves.

It’s hard for us to trust and let go trying to control them; “What if I let go and their grades start falling?”

Well if that happens, address the situation then: talk to them, ask them if they need help from you or a tutor or a peer? Maybe cutting down on computer time or phone time would help? Let them talk to you so you can hear why their grades are falling. Don’t ground them and cut off TV, computer, phone for a week, month … instead ask them what they think would be the best way to proceed. Maybe having IM, TV, phone off while doing homework? Let them come up with what they think will work. They generally are very smart and know what it is that is distracting them.  When they make a decision, it generally makes them feel responsible to carry it out. They understand that we trust them, and they want us to know they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. If it does not work, then revisit the problem. Give suggestions, encourage them to stick to what they decide … but try not to enforce it.

A.S. Neill says, "Every child has a god in him. Our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil. Children come to my school, little devils, hating the world, destructive, unmannerly, lying, thieving, bad tempered. In six months they are happy, healthy children who do no evil. And I am no genius, I am merely a man who refuses to guide the steps of children. I let them form their own values and the values are invariably good and social.”

An awesome tool to use when talking to children (and to anyone else in our life really) is NVC or Non Violent Communication. There are two books that I have found very helpful. “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”, and “Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way”  by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.  You can read the first chapter of the first book here.

The idea is to let them know we are there; not to control them, but to love them unconditionally no matter what happens. Stick to it, no matter how hard it is; just remember: we cannot control anyone.

Once our children see we really do love them for being themselves … and not an image of what we or society thinks they should be, there will be no more barriers between us and our children. Our children can actually come and tell us anything and everything and we will be there for them. Even if our children do something that we define as wrong; we love them; we’ll support them through it as best we can … why?

Because, as Byron Katie (author of “Loving What Is”) says, “When you argue with reality, you lose - but only 100% of the time.”

The reality is our children may be doing something that we do not approve; we don’t have to accept it   … we can show them the pluses and minuses in what they are doing … but finally we cannot change our children unless they want to change (Oh, of course we can threaten and punish or emotionally manipulate them to do what we think they should be doing … but it will not work for long).

Better to let them grow up to be beautiful, loving people, confident in what they do … and the only way that can happen is when they experience unconditional loving from us. 100% acceptance of them, and not an image of them, but them, exactly as they are.

The most important thing for us as parents is to be centered.     No matter what is happening on the outside, we stay centered... and we don’t add to the storm building up around us. We are human too and of course it is not always possible to be centered. When we lose it, that is OK too.

When we calm down, we can talk to our kids, tell them what happened, and the reason why it was difficult to stay centered through the situation. This will show them that they are safe, show them they are loved no matter what they have done... they will not need to go anywhere else for love or comfort.  And a little humility from us can do more to create respect from our kids than almost anything else we can do.

There is an amazing system called  Real Love taught by Greg Baer.  This is a very important system that will help us get grounded in love so we can pour unconditional loving to all around us.

Here are some helpful websites:

Read Love : http://www.reallove.com/

The Work : http://www.thework.com/index.asp

Non Violent Communication : http://www.cnvc.org/

Advanced Yoga Practices :  http://www.aypsite.org/

Helpful Books:

Loving What Is by Byron Katie

Real Love  by Greg Baer

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. 

Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way   by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. 

The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging, (if you have been thinking of blogging I would recommend you get this book. It has really very practical info in very easy to understand format that even a non-techie person like me “gets”.)