Loving Our Children: Rethinking Parenting.

I am a mother of  two awesome teenage girls.  I don’t practice too much traditional parenting;  I just go from moment to moment, learning from them and learning with them. We don’t have too many rules; I just try to show them that it’s OK ... it’s OK to make mistakes … it’s OK to be human … it’s OK to be who they are. 

Was I always like this? Well, I would like to say “yes”, but the fact is … I too tried bringing up my kids the way the society thinks is right. I never enjoyed parenting when I was bound by the “rules of the society”. I have seen fear in the eyes of my children when I talked about “time outs”, and when I got angry and scolded them; I hated that look. It would make my heart cry and wish I had not scolded them … but I did not know any better.

A few years back I got introduced to spirituality. That changed me a lot. I realized, bringing up children based on fear of punishment did not make it pleasant for them or me. Nagging them, scolding them, punishing them did not really do much for either of us.

First, something that is defined as wrong in one household, or even one situation, is perfectly OK in another household, or another situation.

Second, is it OK to make anyone do something out of fear? Don’t you think it makes more sense to help kids see things and want to do things better, rather than out of fear?  How long do you think fear-based motivation will last?

Generally speaking, they will revolt sooner or later. If not openly, then behind the backs of their parents. This can manifest in many forms … all the way from “talking back” … to withdrawing … to hiding their fears with drugs or alcohol or smoking; anything that will give them a sense of personal power for a bit.

But what if they got the loving respect at home?  What if they knew that if there was anything that they needed to talk about, they could go to their mom and/or dad?  That they will not be judged for what is being said. That they will be treated as people.

Generally, we remember what we did as kids, and project that onto our kids. But did the way we were brought up really make us feel good about ourselves? When we knew we had tried our best, but got bad grades, and were punished for it how did we feel? When we were treated like a bunch of kids who knew nothing, how did we feel? Is it right to impose the same harshness on our kids? To me, punishing our children is form of violence; it is the end to the innocence they were born with. It is also taking the easy way out.

So why is it we don’t talk to our kids? Well, it’s so much easier to shut them up and punish them, make sure they do what we say, due to the fear of being punished, than to talk to them.

However take a step back; ask yourself: why do you find it so hard to talk to them?

Sometimes it’s because they show us our true nature. At times they show us a part of ourselves we do not want to face (most times, not consciously). They bring back a part of us that we tucked away somewhere growing up, because we were told it was not “right”. We were punished for it. We were told we would be losers if we went that way. Unfortunately, this is what happened to our parents and we are repeating the same pattern with our children. It has to stop at some point.

At times it’s because we don’t have answers, because in our hearts we know what we tell our children is “the right thing” is not something we really believe in ourselves. It’s something our parents or society told us was right. 

At times it’s because we feel we will lose control over them if they do not fear us.  But control will only work for so long; sooner or later they will pull back (tolerate us, ignore us) or stand up to the control (argue back, tell us off).

So how do we start?  We start by talking to them like we would with another adult. When a friend or another adult comes to us with a problem, do we find faults with them and tell them they are wrong and punish them? No, hopefully we treat them with respect and talk to them about how we see the situation and what we think would help. We treat the other with respect.  Why should our children expect anything else? Why do you think they prefer talking to a friend about their problems rather than us? Because a friend treats them as a person. Why not give them the same respect and hence have some advice from us that is more centered and experienced?

How do we talk to them? We just start by letting them talk. We show them that they can tell us anything and we won’t judge them for it. We are there for them no matter what they have done.  We show them unconditional love. We show them they can trust us.

It’s hard at first on both sides, especially when we have not shown this side of ourselves from the beginning. It is hard for them to open up; it’s hard for them to trust that they can talk to us without being judged. When our kids have not had unconditional loving to start with, it takes them some time to realize that it really is OK to be themselves.

It’s hard for us to trust and let go trying to control them; “What if I let go and their grades start falling?”

Well if that happens, address the situation then: talk to them, ask them if they need help from you or a tutor or a peer? Maybe cutting down on computer time or phone time would help? Let them talk to you so you can hear why their grades are falling. Don’t ground them and cut off TV, computer, phone for a week, month … instead ask them what they think would be the best way to proceed. Maybe having IM, TV, phone off while doing homework? Let them come up with what they think will work. They generally are very smart and know what it is that is distracting them.  When they make a decision, it generally makes them feel responsible to carry it out. They understand that we trust them, and they want us to know they are grown up enough to make their own decisions. If it does not work, then revisit the problem. Give suggestions, encourage them to stick to what they decide … but try not to enforce it.

A.S. Neill says, "Every child has a god in him. Our attempts to mold the child will turn the god into a devil. Children come to my school, little devils, hating the world, destructive, unmannerly, lying, thieving, bad tempered. In six months they are happy, healthy children who do no evil. And I am no genius, I am merely a man who refuses to guide the steps of children. I let them form their own values and the values are invariably good and social.”

An awesome tool to use when talking to children (and to anyone else in our life really) is NVC or Non Violent Communication. There are two books that I have found very helpful. “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life”, and “Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way”  by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.  You can read the first chapter of the first book here.

The idea is to let them know we are there; not to control them, but to love them unconditionally no matter what happens. Stick to it, no matter how hard it is; just remember: we cannot control anyone.

Once our children see we really do love them for being themselves … and not an image of what we or society thinks they should be, there will be no more barriers between us and our children. Our children can actually come and tell us anything and everything and we will be there for them. Even if our children do something that we define as wrong; we love them; we’ll support them through it as best we can … why?

Because, as Byron Katie (author of “Loving What Is”) says, “When you argue with reality, you lose - but only 100% of the time.”

The reality is our children may be doing something that we do not approve; we don’t have to accept it   … we can show them the pluses and minuses in what they are doing … but finally we cannot change our children unless they want to change (Oh, of course we can threaten and punish or emotionally manipulate them to do what we think they should be doing … but it will not work for long).

Better to let them grow up to be beautiful, loving people, confident in what they do … and the only way that can happen is when they experience unconditional loving from us. 100% acceptance of them, and not an image of them, but them, exactly as they are.

The most important thing for us as parents is to be centered.     No matter what is happening on the outside, we stay centered... and we don’t add to the storm building up around us. We are human too and of course it is not always possible to be centered. When we lose it, that is OK too.

When we calm down, we can talk to our kids, tell them what happened, and the reason why it was difficult to stay centered through the situation. This will show them that they are safe, show them they are loved no matter what they have done... they will not need to go anywhere else for love or comfort.  And a little humility from us can do more to create respect from our kids than almost anything else we can do.

There is an amazing system called  Real Love taught by Greg Baer.  This is a very important system that will help us get grounded in love so we can pour unconditional loving to all around us.

Here are some helpful websites:

Read Love : http://www.reallove.com/

The Work : http://www.thework.com/index.asp

Non Violent Communication : http://www.cnvc.org/

Advanced Yoga Practices :  http://www.aypsite.org/

Helpful Books:

Loving What Is by Byron Katie

Real Love  by Greg Baer

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. 

Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way   by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. 

The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging, (if you have been thinking of blogging I would recommend you get this book. It has really very practical info in very easy to understand format that even a non-techie person like me “gets”.)