Identifying And Breaking Mind Shafts.

There were two monks walking, an old one and a young one. They came to a shallow river, and there was a lady there who demanded that one of them should carry her across the river. So the old monk carried her across and the two monks continued walking.

At the end of the day they decided to rest for the night. While they sat by a fire, the young monk told the old one.. "I cannot believe you carried that lady across the river, she was perfectly capable of walking across, and she was so rude … she did not even thank you! I really don't get why you did it!”

The old monk smiled at the young monk and said: "You are still carrying her? I set her down hours ago.”

This is how our mind works: we carry a story with us for years, and suffer from that story years after the experience has passed. The mind connects something that happened a few years back, with something that happened a few months back with something that happened a few days back and makes a shaft of pleasure or pain (shaft of "depression" or "poverty" or "unhappiness" or "happiness"). The mind connects every moment, and says “the pain I feel today, and the pain I felt yesterday and the pain I felt a week back are all connected.”

The day we can see that each moment is unique, unconnected to any other moments, we can free up a lot of mental energy … the energy that we used to mentally connect separate events and to keep those mind shafts in place.

We connect things that happen in our life to make either a shaft of pain and/or pleasure. We try to break a pain shaft and try to elongate a pleasure shaft, using external means. Neither of them will help. We need to stop connecting the moments that make the shaft.

So how do we break these mind shafts?

It can be practiced as we go about our day.

At the end of the day, when mind labels the day as a "bad day" or "stressful day" or "depressing day", go through the day in your mind and make mental notes of the things that happened, that cause mind to label the day one way or the other.

Now, if it was a "bad day" or a "feeling down day" … make an effort to pick out the moments in the day when you were happy, if you enjoyed your morning tea, if you smiled at someone or someone smiled at you, if you laughed at a joke, if you saw something that made you smile … watch how those moments actually broke up the lows in the day. Identify the moments that don't fit into the label of "low day", and break the day up into moments of happiness and moments of lows.

We use up a lot of mental energy (hence the mental tiredness, or depression) in connecting the lows to make a shaft of one big low. When we stop connecting memories of low moments in our mind, we free up a lot of mental energy. We need to break the mind shafts we have formed by simply seeing through them. We also need to break the mental pattern of thinking that we have created that makes these mind shafts stronger. Freeing ourselves from this habit won’t happen in a day, but starting out with small things, and developing the new habit of reviewing our day and watching for mind-shafts can free up a surprising amount of mental energy. Observing that the day is actually made up of moment by moment by moment … and that each moment is free of the previous one (memory) and next one (imagination), helps us break these mind-shafts, and enjoy some freedom and mental rest.

At first the shaft may be years long... for instance, a person thinks:

"The past 10 years of my life has been nothing but sadness."

Well the sadness you felt 10 years ago and the one you felt 5 years ago, and the one you experienced a year back and the one 6 months ago and the one you experienced a week ago are not the same. We connect these and make it one long shaft of a sad life.

My best friend betraying me 10 years back and my dad passing away 5 years back and my boyfriend leaving me a year back and my dog dying 6 months back and me losing my job a week back are all connected to make a long shaft of sadness. When you see each of those incidents were individual incidents and are only connected by the mind to make a shaft of a 10 years of sorrow... you can let go some of the heavy energy that is being used to keep the shaft of sorrow in place.

To dissolve the shaft, we can go back and identify the moments when we were not sad/depressed. We can remember how we enjoyed a party or a movie or a vacation or a night out or a book or a trip or a job.... and see how these broke the depression of 10 years. So the one shaft of 10 year long depression is now broken into smaller shafts of sadness. It no longer is a huge monster, but little monsters that came up during those 10 years … and we did enjoy many more moments of happiness than our mind-shaft of sadness wants to let us acknowledge.

Then, we break up shorter periods, such as a single day. Maybe break it to half a day at first. Then as you keep identifying the breaks in the day; breaks when you were not feeling low. Your moments will refine to hours, minutes, seconds... and you will be able to actually watch how each second is independent of the previous and next.

Please look at Breaking The Mind Shaft for another technique that is geared more for people with some background in meditation.

Unconditional Loving.

I have talked a lot about unconditional loving. Maybe it is time to look into what this really means.

Before I had read the book Real Love  by Greg Baer, my idea of unconditional loving was: 

“I will do anything you want, to make you happy and in return you will love me the way I think I should be loved. There will be an unspoken rule that you will love me and honor me the way I think I should be loved and treated and I will change to fit your definition of what loving is to you.”

So I played a role of a mother the way the society and my kids thought mom should be, and a role of a partner the way I thought I was expected to behave, and the role of a daughter the way I realized my parents thought I should be, and the role of a daughter-in-law as defined by my in-laws, and tried to be a friend as defined by friends, and to fulfill the roll of a good employee as defined by my employer, and of a citizen, as defined by the government and ....

Wow... no wonder I was all confused! Not only was I changing my personality to fit into all these roles, I was changing to what I thought the other person wanted me to be like … not necessarily what they were thinking I should be, but what I thought they thought I should be.

So now, even though I was trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be, but since they did not really want me that way, I was being someone they did not want me to be. And so, I was really not making them happy.

So by the time I had figured out what might be the right way to be with someone, in order to fulfill their expectations, they had already changed their mind on what they thought I should be.

So there I went, once again scrambling to try to fit the new mold that had been created for me by another person’s ever-changing expectations.

And, please remember: I was also expecting all those people to be a certain way, so that I could love them unconditionally. I mean, I was changing constantly for them so they would be happy, cause I loved them so unconditionally... I mean c'mon... I was ready to change for them.. how much more unconditional could one get? All I was expecting from them was their unconditional loving back, in the way I expected it, from them.

Now if for any reason they did not treat me in the way I had defined, in terms of how they should love me... oh well... that was not acceptable.... how can you love me unconditionally if you are not loving me the way I am loving you and the way I expect you to love me? 

Wow!!! That was complicated. That was a story written for suffering. But I did not know any better. That was unconditional loving to me.

Then I read the book "Real Love" by Greg Baer. I thought I had this unconditional loving thing all figured out. Then I read these lines:
 

* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting. 

* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention. 

No... no way... why is this book telling me this? You mean I was looking at this all wrong? No actually I was not... deep inside I knew I was manipulating things to get love... but that is how we have to function right?

I will be unloved and all alone if I am not pleasing others and making sure others love me.

Mind stories!

I was a slave of the mind stories and labels that had defined what love was. I was too scared to let go these stories because they defined a boundary for me and I could judge if what I was giving and getting was "love". If I dropped these stories I would not have a yard stick to measure loving by.

Can I really love without the stories? Is it really possible that someone could write these words and shake my beliefs... shake the root of my entire definition of real love?

Yes. He did. He changed the way I saw this world. Once I read his words and actually saw how my mind was keeping me from experiencing the freedom of real love, I had to slowly let go. Let go the tight grip I had on my stories. One by one the stories crumbled as I saw how much fuller and easier "real love" was than the imitation love I was trying to get and give.

I would highly recommend getting his book: Real Love.

Here is a piece from Greg's website that will help you get a taste of what "Real Love" is:
　
What is Real Love?  (This is a small excerpt from the website, please click on the question to read the rest.)

Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It’s also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not Real Love when other people like us for doing what they want. Under those conditions we’re just paying for love again. We can be certain that we’re receiving Real Love only when we make foolish mistakes, when we fail to do what other people want, and even when we get in their way, but they don’t feel disappointed or irritated at us. That is Real Love (true unconditional love), and that love alone has the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships quite beyond our present capacity to imagine.

 
If we don’t have enough Real Love in our lives, the resulting emptiness is unbearable. We then compulsively try to fill our emptiness with whatever feels good in the moment—money, anger, sex, alcohol, drugs, violence, power, and the conditional approval of others. Anything we use as a substitute for Real Love becomes a form of Imitation Love , and although Imitation Love feels good for a moment, it never lasts and never gives us the feeling of genuine happiness that Real Love provides.

Getting and Protecting Behaviors:

 
When we lack sufficient Real Love, we feel empty and afraid, conditions that are unbearably painful. In order to eliminate our emptiness, we use Getting Behaviors to fill ourselves with Imitation Love. 

The Getting Behaviors include:

* Lying. Although it's usually unconscious on our part, any time we do anything to get other people to like us—by accentuating our positive physical, mental, social, or occupational qualities—we are lying. With our lies, we earn the conditional approval of others (praise) and often the other forms of Imitation Love as well.
 

* Attacking. We're attacking people when we use any behavior designed to modify their behavior with fear. We frighten or intimidate people with anger, authority, physical intimidation, guilt, and so on. When we attack people, we feel stronger. We feel a sense of power, which temporarily can be quite satisfying in the absence of Real Love.

* We're Acting like victims when we point out what other people should have done for us. When we act hurt and maintain that we have been treated unfairly, we're using guilt and obligation to persuade people that we are victims and that we deserve more than we are presently getting.

* Clinging. When we find people who give us some of the Imitation Love we crave, we often cling to them for more. To illustrate just one of many ways we can cling, imagine that a spouse or friend has decided to part company with you earlier than you had anticipated during an evening or weekend. If you say, "Do you really have to go now?" you're clinging to him or her for more attention.

In order to diminish our fears, we use Protecting Behaviors, which include:

* Lying. From the time we were small children, we learned to hide or diminish our mistakes, flaws, and fears, because then people tended to withdraw their approval less.

* Attacking. Anger gives us a rush of power, and then we feel less helpless and afraid. In addition, when other people are attacking us, we can often get them to stop attacking us if we attack them in return.

* Acting like victims. When people are attacking us, they will often stop if we can act sufficiently wounded and accuse them of hurting us. Victims also frequently use variations on the expression, "It's not my fault."

* Running. One effective way to diminish our pain is simply to withdraw from it. We can run by physically leaving difficult situations or relationships, emotionally withdrawing from interactions or relationships, burying ourselves in our careers, and by using alcohol or drugs.

Read more about:
What "Real Love" is?  

Imitation Love 

Getting and Protecting Behaviors
Lack of Real Love
Falling in Love: The Real Reasons We Do, and Why It Doesn't Last
Understanding the Causes of Drug Addiction
Beyond Anger Management Techniques

Watch his videos:
1)Real Love - As Essential to Life as Air
2)Where's the Love?
3)What is Imitation Love?
4)Death of a Relationship - You Thought He/She was the 'One'
5)Letting the Relationship Die Letting the Relationship Die
6)Anger Management - Eliminate Anger, Don't Just Control It
7)Finding Real Love - The Most Valuable Thing You'll Ever
8)How do I change my partner? 

Helpful Websites:

Read Love : http://www.reallove.com/

Helpful Books: 

Real Love  by Greg Baer 

Other Books By Greg Baer 

Accepting Reality: Happily Ever After (continued).

Note: In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read the first part of this post over here. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned here.

Does this mean we accept everything? Even if there is injustice or physical abuse going on?

Yes.

Accepting a situation does not mean we become a door mat.

Accepting means we see what is happening without attaching a mind story to it.

When we can clearly see what is going on... when we see the reality of the situation... we can then make a decision about what the next step should be based on reality rather than on emotions.

So, if this is the reality: “My husband yells at me and physically hurts me.”

The Mind Stories might be:

>"He should not hit me."

>"I deserve to be hit because I don't meet up to his expectations."

>"He needs to vent his anger."

What is the reality? You are getting beaten. When you drop the mind stories around this reality, you can take the next step which can be removing yourself from the situation... or contacting the cops... or seeking help from a shelter... or calling the abuse hotline.

Please remember, although it is hard to see when we are run by mind stories, the mind really does not know what can happen. The mind story can keep us afraid and feeling like a doormat for a long time. Calling for help does not mean your spouse has to find out; the people dealing with the victims are trained to be discreet and will give you good advice on what can be done.

However as long as we are caught up in our mind story of "I cannot do this" or "I deserve this", or "life will fall apart if I take the next step" or "I just have to bear it and things will get better" or "he will find out and things will get worse"... you will just suffer, not only from the violence, but also with the fear that the mind stories are keeping in place. Not only are you suffering physically …you are killing yourself mentally and emotionally.

A few other examples:

>"My partner should not leave me.”

Look at what the reality is. Our partner has decided to move on. Look at all the stories that are holding us back and keeping us sad. Life is moving on but we are caught up in a mind story of what a relationship should be, and we beat ourselves up when things don't go as per the mind stories we made up on how life should be. We have our definition of unconditional loving, and all of that revolves around how our mind stories define loving. If we let go the mind story of how our partner should treat us, and accept what is going on... we can be free this minute.

If we still want to try and make things work out in our relationship, we can then, from a place of acceptance, go forward with therapy or counseling. If it does not work out, or if our partner is not willing to try along with us, it is best to accept and move on, rather than cling onto a mind story that we created based on memory and imagination, and which only causes suffering in the present.

>"Our children should respect us."

Again, look at the reality of how our children are treating us. Maybe because they are teenagers, and have not yet found their place in life, they are at an awkward age and unclear on how to relate to almost everyone, including their parents. They are no longer children and they are not yet adults. They are confused. Or maybe they never did learn to respect, because we as parents never showed them any respect. Accepting children as they are and showing them unconditional loving will help them get over the confusing phase that can go with certain parts of their teenage years, and respect us even more than they otherwise would, once they are out of this phase.

However, our mind stories have defined what the behavior of children should be like... and we are sad and disappointed and angry because they don't fit into that mind story. Accepting what is … accepting reality … will help us drop the mind story, and will help us operate from a place of clarity. From this place of clarity we can take further steps of talking to our children, showing them unconditional loving, and offering loving guidance. When we talk to them with our mind story of “expected behavior” in place, we are not listening to what they are saying nor are we working with the reality of the situation. However, when we drop the mind story of “acceptable behaviors”, we actually have a wonderful chance of getting closer to our children. Even the most rebellious kids just want to feel that someone is on their side, no matter what. If that “someone” is us, and they know it, they won’t shut us out, and we’ll be able to offer them input and guidance. (read more about this here).

>"Our children should take care of us when we get old",

Or

> "Our children should give us more time/visit us more often."

What’s the reality? Our children are not taking care of us. Can we change this? Our mind stories have defined what our old age should look like. But even after spending all our lives seeing how things never go according to the plans of the mind stories, we are still disappointed because our life this moment is not the way our mind story defined it should be.

When will this stop? When will we actually be happy? As a child we look forward to being out of school, working, having our own money. Then we say we will be happy when we have a partner, then kids, then kids settle down, then grand kids, then... we finally rest when we are in our grave. If we can accept reality this moment, if we can let go the hold on the mind stories and accept reality right now... we can be completely fulfilled right here, right now... not somewhere “out there” in the future.

Helpful website:　

National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Accepting Reality: Happily Ever After.

Note: In order to get a better understanding of what is being said here, please do read from  here. Also it is highly recommended to practice cultivating silence as mentioned here.

In one of my earlier posts I had talked about looking for happiness within us. All our lives we look outward for happiness. If that really did make us happy, we should have been the happiest people alive, after manipulating ourselves and the world around us we should have it all down to a fine art to find happiness. And yet, happiness is always just beyond us. Even when we do catch up with it, it slips away real soon.

So is "happily ever after" possible?

Yes. It is possible to be happy exactly where you are.

How?

Shift the way you think. Instead of "what can the world do to make me happy?" or "how I can change myself to gain the love of the world?", look into "how can I accept the world as it is, and myself as I am?"

In all of the example statements we talked about in previous posts, there was one part called "reality" … which was the actuality of the situation, free from any interpretation about it. Accepting this part, the reality of the situation, will make everything different.

Acceptance doesn’t mean being weak, or allowing others to use us as doormats, or not acting when action is needed. Acceptance means dropping the mind stories that makes us suffer by keeping us mentally and emotionally bound to a situation. Being attached to the mind stories uses up energy needlessly, clouds thinking and drains energy; acceptance helps get past the mind story and address any moment or situation with clarity.

Things happen around us without our help. We may believe we are making things happen, however life just keeps flowing with or without our help.

We believe we actually carve the path of our lives, however, look back and be honest with yourself... how much of our lives has been as we had planned? How much of our sadness is because we are still clinging onto the dreams ("mind stories") we had of our life, partner, kids, parents, siblings. What happens if we drop the ideas ("mind stories") we have.  It's a slight shift in our focus. We put all our attention and energy on our mind stories and see our world from this place. All we need to do is shift our focus away from the mind story and accept the reality.

Let’s look into this:

"I feel sad because I am disappointed that my mother is not around more to help me with my kids."

emotion = sad

label = disappointed

mind story = mother should help more

reality = mother is here once a week/month, never.

So you are sad because you cannot accept the reality of what is going on. Your mother is doing what she is doing. Maybe she does not want to go through bringing up children again. Maybe she feels unloved because she feels you are using her to take care of the kids. Maybe she is old and does not have the energy to take care of the children. Maybe she is afraid she is old and may not be able to keep up with the children. We know how tired we get taking care of the children? Well she maybe double our age... and with half our energy. Or maybe she just does not care.

All the above statements are to help you see what she may be going through. But it does not really matter what she is going through. We can only speculate what someone else is feeling or thinking with our mind stories. The only thing we can be sure about is what is going on. My mother is not involved with my children as often as I would like her to be.

Can you accept this? For even a moment, drop the thought "my mother should help me more" and feel the release and lightness. Try thinking in another way... "I should not expect anything from my mother and accept that she is loving us the best she knows how" or "I should love my mother no matter what she does or does not do". Or "I should love myself and drop the expectation, because it is hurting me to keep the expectations in place".

When you can identify the mind story and let it go and accept the reality that is beyond the mind story, you will feel an instant release in tension in yourself. We will see how we cling onto these mind stories and keep our suffering in place.

Another wonderful thing that we will start to experience is when the mind stories are not controlling our every move, a kind of freedom comes into our lives and we can just flow with what is happening. Once this happens... once we have loosened the grip our mind stories have on us... everything starts to unfold in perfect harmony. It has always been unfolding in perfect harmony, we have been so caught up in our mind stories that we haven't noticed.